OK, you stupid fucking shitheads! I’ve had about enough of your bullshit regarding the completion of the plots threads to Gothik (a contradiction in terms, I might add, for you ignorant sons-a-bitches who can’t figure this shit out) so I’m just going to go ahead with my OTHER plan! And that’s to endlessly discuss the imaginary plot threads I’ve imagined for many, many years about … GREEN ACRES! How about THAT you fucking yak-felching, piranha-blowing, moose-fucking dumb fucking assholes?! Huh?! How do you like that shit? Well, first of all, when Lisa is making pancakes and the names of the producer, director, and writer appear burned into their surfaces (well, actually the director’s name was burned into a piece of toast) I imagined Oliver walking in wearing a lime green leisure suit and actually eating the pancakes and toast and ENJOYING THEM! What do you think about THAT shit you stupid fucking motherfucking cocksucking fucking assholes? Huh? I’m waiting you motherfuckers. Then Sam Drucker and Mr. Haney form a transvestite polka band with Doris Ziffle as lead accordionist and they do a free concert during which Eb Dawson distributes this super-strong STP that Owsley mailed to him via FedEx the day before and everybody eats eighteen hits and gets fucked up as fourteen motherfuckers and there’s this MASSIVE ORGY in which Arnold Ziffle videotapes the proceedings and blackmails the entire population of Hooterville and retires to a condo in Uzbekistan. That’s what you fucking assholes get for pestering the living shit out of me about continuing the plot-line of Gothik. And you ain’t heard NUTHIN’ yet you stupid fucking shitheads who put burning tar on each other assholes and smoke Vienna sausage on the flames and feed them to each other while buttfucking a bucket of slugs in front of the ENTIRE FUCKING SUNDAY SCHOOL!

5 comments on “EAT SHIT!

  1. katydidknot says:

    What is Green Acres? Is that a weed reference or something only old people know about?

    I’m not going to worry about the answer much, since the bucket of slugs line was so good.

    • sternodox says:

      Green Acres was a news magazine that aired in the early 1940s that inculcated into society a penchant for pressuring one’s neighbors into painting their picket fences with wren shit so that any Jehovah’s Witnesses that might perchance stop by to spread their “word” would be distracted by the aroma and spend eighteen or thirteen hours licking the fence until splinters caused tongue infections that resulted in the deaths of these spastic motherfuckers always bothering people. It’s all on Wikipedia. Or will be in about five minutes!

      • waldo666 says:

        It’s interesting that you would use the verb “inculcate” in the context of Jehovah’s witnesses licking wren shit from a picket fence. Those of us who have invested our lives and careers in etymological research will quickly note that the second syllable of this verb is the French word for “ass,” thus revealing the logical underpinning of your choice. It saddens me that so few of your contemporaries share your emotional and intellectual depth, what with all of their tedious blogs about Martin Van Buren, pre-World War II Albanian homoeroticism, and environmentally friendly roofing materials. I’m reminded of what Keanu Reeves once said when discussing the subtle transitions in Italian literature during the Renaissance. I can only paraphrase, of course, but he noted that accumulations of reptile semen are more prone to cut a globular silhouette when subjected to the simulated anti-gravity conditions that one finds in Mike Huckabee’s skull or some regions of rural Kentucky. Yet, if one subjects these “semen globes” to high frequency energy waves, they begin to unsubscribe from cable services en masse, to the extent that no one actually knows if that lesbian couple on “Househunters” went for the more expensive condo in the urban core, or the more affordable bungalow with a lower walk score.

  2. sternodox says:

    The fact that modern Albania encompasses territories that belonged to the Roman provinces of Macedonia, Dalmatia, and Epirus Nova should prove interesting to those scholars studying the ramifications of humans interacting with slugs (anally) when culturally bisected with composing a protracted essay that ponders the question, “How now brown Keanu?” You see, youngster, the All-African Keanu Diet, when applied to a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care, kinda rules. As long as the professional in question really is regular and not all stopped up like Uncle Tom Tom gets when he’s been at the Gouda cheese every night like he has been all week. If you’ll remind me to pick up his stool softener on my way home from the Jehovah’s Witness deflowering next Wednesday, I’ll let you sit around and watch while I paint the fence again. The wren shit didn’t work too well, but I think that results will improve with the application of what comes out of Uncle Tom Tom after all the Gouda cheese is gone and the stool softeners begin to work.

    • waldo666 says:

      I’ve been worried about Uncle Tom Tom since the accident. I don’t think those scabs are ever going to heal, because if there isn’t an unnatural amount of pus oozing out of them, then it’s that guy who drives the “dairy truck” coming over and having his way with them in the Biblical sense. And we both know that wasn’t cottage cheese he was leaving on the porch while the Citywide Chilifest was going on. Anyway, I totally understand what you’re saying about Albania. If they hadn’t subdivided Yugoslavia in 1922, Uncle Tom Tom would still have that store where he used to sell goat cheese out of that wooden barrel where he made that wine out of elderberries and bear piss until Franz Ferdinand showed up and he had to hide him in there since Maw Maw hadn’t changed the sheets in the guest room. I always figured Uncle Tom Tom really wanted to use that guest room for his collection of Woodrow Wilson felching porno, but when we went in there to spray for mold, all we could find were some copies of “Swank” from 1977 with the pages all stuck together. So I still have a lot of questions.

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