There was this one guy this one time who could only get off sexually by breaking into people’s houses and taking the person he found there and cutting off their dick and shitting on it and putting it in a blender and turning it on full blast and pissing in it too and then after it was all blended up he wouldn’t drink it all at once but would savour the flavour for about ten hundred hours and then he would build this cubby hole in the cut off dick guy’s bedroom and hide there until the police came and then he would turn into a giant helicopter-shaped rummy bastard mammoth turd that glowed in the dark and threw sparks out that caught the grass on the side of the road on fire. But the only firemen around were the two dead homos that were buttfucking in the back of the truck when that other guy killed them and they were turned into magical zombie paradox hetero-fags. But the spell that kept their dead, rotting corpses animated also made them not want to buttfuck each other in the firetruck anymore and they were depressed and wanted to find out a different spell that would let them still buttfuck each other there. So one of the dead non-homo firemen called a 1-900 number that somebody said would let them fry grease upside down while they were in orbit, so he called but it was really just two fat lesbian junkies sitting under a rancid pillow playing squat drop with a deck of cards that was missing all the cards except one, and that one card was so covered in the shit they’d dragged out of the intestines of dead Moonies that they couldn’t even tell what it was any more, so they didn’t even know who was winning the card game. But then the alarm went off and it didn’t wake anybody up because they were all dead too. Fortunately, though, there was this other guy who decided to quit fucking the bucket of cum dumps that God had given him last Saturday and he also decided that he needed a new hobby to keep his mind off the ram scrotum that this one girl had sewed on his lips and had also sewed his lips to his knees so he couldn’t even give himself a blowjob any more even though he was real limber from being in the health club and doing all the stretching exercises and only drinking carrot juice. But his room mate was getting married to one of the dead homo zombie firemen that night and he didn’t think it would be a good idea for him to go to
the church with his dick not in his mouth and so he tried to kill himself by sticking his head out the window into the line of fire from the DEA guys who were trying to bust up this ring of seven or eight guys who were into sticking PCP up old ladies’ assholes and then buttfucking them after they OD’d and that’s how they got off on the PCP by it going up their urethras while they were buttfucking the old ladies. But the DEA guys ran out of bullets and so they all went home except one of them who got a hamburger that this girl made but right after she put the mustard on it she went out the back door of the hamburger place and vomited on her boyfriend’s dick after he passed out from huffing gasoline out of the manager’s car who was off in Nairobi running for president.
This one guy that was a barbarian and had long hair and a giant sword and five battle axes and twenty hundred bows and arrows and giant muscles and was a king of this other land was throwing this other guy that was a magical wizard that was bald headed and had a dick tattooed on his left ear over a cliff, but the wizard made a spell that turned the barbarian’s hands and arms into dried up turds that broke off and he dropped the wizard. Then this giant monster that was magic and allied with demons came and ate the barbarian except for his hands and arms that were made of shit because it didn’t like it. Then the arms and hands that were shit got on the ground and it started raining and the shit got all runny and smelly. Then the shit flowed downstream into a little stream where it joined other shit and turds and piss and stuff from the town that was on that stream. But the town built a dam that morning and it backed all the shit up into the town and drowned all the young girls and babies and old people in piles of runny shit. And this one guy got buried in the shit tonnage and never emerged alive from it. And this whole family struggled to get out of the house as the shitstream gushed in through the windows and down the flue and they all remained unsubmerged for several hours until the lucious, creamy shit reached the ceiling and they all got exhausted and drowned in the oceans of rancid, dick-riddled shit. Then this other universe that was completely filled with shit up to the veriest brim protruded into our universe through a rift in the fabric of time and space and started pumping volumes of shit undreamed of by man into our universe and killing everybody in its path by drowning them in shit. Suddenly a deadly virus that made you shit before you died infected everybody except this one girl whose name was Sally the Barbarian Queen. Sally lived but had a magic stone that turned all the dead people into magic zombies that were all covered in shit and the whole ocean was nothing but real, real, REAL runny shit that had corn in it and peanuts in it too. But the zombie sailors all jumped overboard and ate some of the shit but not enough to make any difference because there was too much of it. Then even more came through and this cleric guy took a shit and added it to the rest of it. Then this horribly mangled mutant half horse, half monkey, half gorilla and half human creature landed on the one place where there was no shit. But it took a REALLY HUGE shit on the spot, so then every place on earth was covered in gooey, splatted out shit that smelled awful even when it was adulterated by some cut off dicks.