There was this one guy this one time who could only get off sexually by breaking into people’s houses and taking the person he found there and cutting off their dick and shitting on it and putting it in a blender and turning it on full blast and pissing in it too and then after it was all blended up he wouldn’t drink it all at once but would savour the flavour for about ten hundred hours and then he would build this cubby hole in the cut off dick guy’s bedroom and hide there until the police came and then he would turn into a giant helicopter-shaped rummy bastard mammoth turd that glowed in the dark and threw sparks out that caught the grass on the side of the road on fire. But the only firemen around were the two dead homos that were buttfucking in the back of the truck when that other guy killed them and they were turned into magical zombie paradox hetero-fags. But the spell that kept their dead, rotting corpses animated also made them not want to buttfuck each other in the firetruck anymore and they were depressed and wanted to find out a different spell that would let them still buttfuck each other there. So one of the dead non-homo firemen called a 1-900 number that somebody said would let them fry grease upside down while they were in orbit, so he called but it was really just two fat lesbian junkies sitting under a rancid pillow playing squat drop with a deck of cards that was missing all the cards except one, and that one card was so covered in the shit they’d dragged out of the intestines of dead Moonies that they couldn’t even tell what it was any more, so they didn’t even know who was winning the card game. But then the alarm went off and it didn’t wake anybody up because they were all dead too. Fortunately, though, there was this other guy who decided to quit fucking the bucket of cum dumps that God had given him last Saturday and he also decided that he needed a new hobby to keep his mind off the ram scrotum that this one girl had sewed on his lips and had also sewed his lips to his knees so he couldn’t even give himself a blowjob any more even though he was real limber from being in the health club and doing all the stretching exercises and only drinking carrot juice. But his room mate was getting married to one of the dead homo zombie firemen that night and he didn’t think it would be a good idea for him to go to
the church with his dick not in his mouth and so he tried to kill himself by sticking his head out the window into the line of fire from the DEA guys who were trying to bust up this ring of seven or eight guys who were into sticking PCP up old ladies’ assholes and then buttfucking them after they OD’d and that’s how they got off on the PCP by it going up their urethras while they were buttfucking the old ladies. But the DEA guys ran out of bullets and so they all went home except one of them who got a hamburger that this girl made but right after she put the mustard on it she went out the back door of the hamburger place and vomited on her boyfriend’s dick after he passed out from huffing gasoline out of the manager’s car who was off in Nairobi running for president.