Although Jones’ favorite dish was wino vomit garnished with cockroach paste and stuffed into petrified mammoth testicles, he decided that tonight he would eat nine pounds of impacted fecal matter extracted from the heaving bowels of an overweight, dying hydrocephalic Las Vegas poker dealer. Lying on his semi-inflated life raft, floating in his swimming pool filled with blood, cum, piss and real real real runny shit that had a lot of partially digested corn and green beans in it, Jones pondered his next move. He decided that, rather than buttfuck a gelatinous mound of whale sperm mixed with camel snot, he would simply fistfuck a dead sea cow and lick the resultant vaginal spum off his well-lubricated arm. As he contemplated this highly exciting prospect and got a hard-on at the same time, his portable phone rang suddenly. He answered it and it was his next door neighbor, who was a Southern Baptist preacher named Smyth. “Are you going to church with me today, my friend,” said Smyth, hopefully. “Fuck your goddam asshole ragged with a tar-soaked telephone pole that has been liberally studded with bent, rusy nails you shit-begrimed living example of a chancre fucking retard,” answered Jones. Before Smyth had a chance to react, Jones had activated the machinery beneath his house that was designed to dig under Smyth’s house and release a flood of his swimming pool contents into the distraught preacher’s living room. But suddenly, as the stream of aromatic shit, saliva, snot, buttfucked piss and sea cow vaginal spum squirted all over the poor Baptist preacher, the preacher all of the sudden developed a craving to sit in the middle of the stream and jack off while imagining being shit upon by the entire boy’s choir of his parish. As his excitement mounted, who should happen upon the masturbating preacher but the entire boy’s choir, except they had all been killed in a bus crash that morning and it was right by this radiation experiment place and the radiation got out and mixed with their genes and stuff and made them all into living dead zombies that had a craving for Baptist preacher rectum. Smyth screamed as the zombies slowly wiped the delicious layer of excrement off his head and turned him over so they could buttfuck him with an industrial sized ground auger. As the slowly rotating drill bit was forcibly inserted into the preachers distended asshole, the pain was such that he was going to pass out but they injected eighty hundred grams of crystal methedrine into his testicles so he couldn’t pass out and then they started to skin him alive and eat his flesh while his wife was tied up on the other side of the room and had her eyelids surgically removed and her head in a vice so she couldn’t turn away and had to watch as her husband was slowly skinned alive while being buttfucked by a drill wielded by a bunch of zombie kids. But then she got real turned on and suddenly wished Jones would come over and fuck her in her not yet healed appendectomy slit and amazingly he actually came over right then and did it. And then Channel 7 showed up and put it all on the six o-clock news and almost everybody in the whole town jacked off when they saw it except for this one kid who kind of puked when he saw it and then everybody who was tired of jacking off to the preacher fucking his wife in the flank slit started in jacking off to the kid’s vomit.
Once upon a time this one guy decided to force everyone in the world to buttfuck each other for all eternity. So he studied a variety of demonic tomes for several years until he had perfected the correct series of spells and stuff and so then he took everybody that was a girl, or a post-operative transsexual, or was a guy that had their dick cut off through an industrial accident, or was a guy who got born without a dick, or any other person who, for whatever reason, didn’t have a dick and he got them all in this fake hospital by mailing them these bogus sweepstakes mailings that told them they had a free prize there. Then, when they were all there, he put them under using anesthesia and gas and stuff and operated on them all and surgically grafted dicks on every one of them. So after he was done doing that, everybody in the world had a dick, even some of the dead people who were girls or other people who didn’t have a dick but now they did and were zombies. So then the guy got all the men in the world, and all the boys, who already had dicks and he put them in a huge line with all the newly be-dicked people and had them stand front to back in a line that stretched around the world eighteen times and used giant bridges to go over the oceans. Then, when everybody was in line, he made them all pull down their pants and put their dicks in the assholes of the person in front of them. Some of the people who were already homos didn’t mind too much and some of the girls who now had dicks thought it was interesting for about the first ninety hours or so, but after a couple of months of non-stop buttfucking, everybody began to get tired of it and wanted to go watch TV or go get a hamburger or build a model of the U.S.S. Constitution or learn to play the cello or establish a new source of funding for the study of more durable concrete blocks or anything besides just standing in a giant line and buttfucking each other. So they all started complaining but the guy didn’t want to let them stop buttfucking each other but came up with an idea to not make it so monotonous. What he did was allow everybody to all of the sudden turn around real fast all at the same time and start buttfucking the person who just before had been buttfucking them. The novelty of this ploy lasted only about a couple of minutes though and then everybody got tired of buttfucking that new person. After the first ten years about half of the people had gone totally insane and the rest weren’t too far behind them. Also, after that much buttfucking with no suitable lubrication everybody’s dicks were sore and bleeding and some of them were already almost worn down to the nub. Many people were in so much pain that they were almost ready to faint but the guy wouldn’t allow them to stop buttfucking each other even for a tenth of a second. Of course, there were many problems with this set-up, not only for the people who were doing the buttfucking, but for the guy too, such as how to feed them all. He did this by intraveinous feeding. Also, when the people had to take a shit, it all went into the dick of the person who was buttfucking them because the guy wouldn’t let them stop to take a shit and sometimes this caused infections. But the guy used antibiotics to cure them. After several centuries all the people were totally insane, so the guy learned psychiatry and cured them all so that they could go back to just merely physically hurting all the time and after a few more centuries they went insane again and the guy cured them again and this went on century after century for all eternity just like the guy had planned on.
We’re starting a brand new section here at Şchteemornođičhzhoyfaucz (or whatever the fuck this blog’s called). It’ll feature the very best of girls in bikinis with machine guns. The Cramps paid homage to this phenomenon and now we’re doing the same. Check back often for bitchin’ pix of hot babes throwing down rat-a-tat-tat FIRE!