Braided Nut Paste Sedan

There was this one fucked up guy who was not only fucked up in the head naturally but was also usually fucked up on sniffing gasoline and carpet cleaner and shoe sole glue too. Not only that but he usually huffed paint thinner out of a Dr. Pepper can and shot up Mogan David grape wine and smoked nutmeg mixed with cayenne pepper too. Plus he usually drank about a quart of Everclear mixed with peach pop first thing in the morning after he snorted about fifty grams of ground up Contact Capsules (just the red ones). One day he wanted to know what it would be like to take a real sharp knife, dip it in battery acid and cut his own dick off. But he was paranoid that it would really hurt bad so he went out and bought a couple bags of crack and a handful of bootleg Mexican Quaaludes and a packet of Jimson Weed and a film canister full of old Morning Glory seeds and a gallon of Vodka and a quart of Peppermint Schnapps and some clove cigarettes and took them all at once. But once he got to really tripping on all that shit, he changed his mind and decided to cut off everyone else’s dick instead. So he got everybody who wasn’t a girl or a preoperative transvestite or real faggy looking and lined them all up and tied their hands behind their back after he had drugged them so they couldn’t wake up and he got this, like, garden pruning machine that was out in the shed and he took it over to the first guy who was snoring and had shit his pants and he pulled his pants down and placed the hydraulic cutting portion of the pruning device around that guy’s dick and he pressed on the lever with his foot and it went *schtup* real loud and cut the guy’s dick off. Then he went to the next guy who was also passed out but sort of waking up and pulled that guy’s pants down and put the thing on his dick and pressed the lever and it cut his dick off too. Then he got to the third guy who was just really starting to be awake enough to scream real loud when his dick got cut off which totally woke up the guy next to him (the fourth guy) which caused enough of a commotion that every one of the guys who was still alive and tied up and hadn’t bled to death started begging the crazy guy to not cut off their dicks. But the guy was so stoked on being fucked up on all the stuff he took and on cutting somebody’s dick off that he just ignored them and went on down the line cutting their dicks off. By 10:30 that night he had cut off the dicks of 10,453 people and decided to get some rest. So he went to sleep and got up the next morning and worked all day long and cut off the dicks of 22,539 more guys because he did some real strong coke and a couple grams of crank and some espresso and got going real fast. He kept it up for a few weeks and had cut off over 600,000,000 guy’s dicks and decided to go on a vacation. When he got back he started cutting off their dicks again and worked all summer, through the fall and by mid-winter had cut off the dicks of close to three and a half billion guys. Pretty soon the guy started to come down off all the shit he was doing and realized that there was only one guy left who had a dick except him. So he ran over and cut that guy’s dick off too and then he could fuck any girl in the world. But then he took too much meth and couldn’t get a hard on and couldn’t fuck them and he got depressed and committed suicide on account of not being able to fuck a girl any more.

The End

They Used to Party!

There was a time when one could order morphine, guns, and ammunition from the Sears catalog … delivered straight to your door. One could order “baby quieter” that contained heroin and alcohol. Sure made those little bastards stay quiet! I love how the cough syrup mentioned in the ad below (which contained, among other things, codiene, cannabis, and chloroform!) was available in GALLONS! “Yeah … I’d like 150 gallons of cough syrup and a BIG GUN, ma’am.” Click on the pic for more evidence our foredudes used to PARTY DOWN!

What’s It All About, Anyway?

I’ve been receiving some querulous emails recently asking me what this blog is about. If one has perused it sufficiently then I suspect one would surmise its primary focus is puerile shit humor. One would certainly be correct in this assumption. But only partially so. This blog is also about the repressed desire to express our inner immaturity by reverting to the halcyon days of our youth (like, you know, the 3rd grade or some shit) whereby the long-lost and forgotten foibles of the playground are re-enacted in a format that even the most retarded fucking asshole can grab the gist of. You know what I’m talking about, motherfucker? Hey, asshole! I’m talking to YOU! You look pretty goddam stupid standing there with your ugly ass face hanging out in the breeze like that. I’ll kick your goddam ass you stupid fucking chancre-eating mediacretin. You think I don’t know what you’ve been up to out to the roach shit fuckery every Tuesday you dumbass bitchcunt goat felcher? Hell, I know every goddam thing about you, it, them, the goats, the pastry chef, his daughter, his daughter’s daughter, their diseases, the truck that hauled in the fifty cubic yards of gelatinous Juarez donkey nose funk, the milkshakes they made out of the funk, the funk that resulted and what was done with that (it was used as a lubricant; don’t lie!) and how many times it was used by your stupid fucking family while you took pictures and sent them to that one guy in Guyana who spread marmalade all over them and then jerked off while pretending to be Milli Vanilli every afternoon for six months. See? I know everything and YOU don’t know SHIT!

Fuck off!

The Battle of the World

There was this captain in the army and he said that he would of killed Adolf Hitler if they would of let him. But the generals and the president and the king said that they had spend all the money on the giant navy and army that would land on the beach and end the war and that they couldn’t waste all that money by already killing Hitler and not doing it. So the captain decided to go to Paraguay where there was this cult that figured out how to bring a demon out of where all the demons were and they sat around in the big circle and did a chant and throw some of the herbs on the fire and did a chant some more and then the demon showed up but in the wrong place. That demon didn’t show up in the right circle but instead showed up in this taxi that was in Montana. The taxi driver didn’t see the demon at first but the people in the back seat who were fucking but they weren’t married did but only just before the demon landed on them and weighed twenty hundred pounds and they suffocated under him. But then the cab driver had a major heart stroke and died and the car lost control. But over in Germany where Hitler was, his men who were torturing these Mexicans found out that when they put the hot poker on them that shit came out of their butts. So they put all the shit in a bucket and saved it for Hitler to put on the tray. Then the garbageman came accidently and put it in the truck and went to Belgium. But the demon invaded a giant factory where they all built the other trays that they put the cheese on and stuff and the factory burnt down because of it and the cafes and stuff couldn’t serve the cheese trays any more and went out of business. But this one cafe owner liked to have sex with a sewer rat and the neighbors saw it and called the police and they took him to jail but he escaped and went to Singapore and was a spy. But the spy equipment they gave him didn’t work and he was injured when he put up a plastic shower curtain to hide him when he fucked a pidgeon. Just then a retarded shower curtain installer walked in and took the guy who was fucking the pidgeon and put his head in a vice and squeezed it till the guy was screaming in horrible agony and then the retard took eighty hundred razor blades and jammed them into the guy’s asshole one at a time and took one of the razor blades and slowly peeled the skin back from the guy’s forehead and just until it didn’t kill him and he got a slit in the skin and the retard was fucking the guy in the slit in the skin in his head. Then the police came in but they were perverts and started jacking off at the retard fucking this guy’s slit in his skin while his head was in the vice. Then they got close to where they were cumming and they walk over to the retard and they squirt all on the guy’s head and their cum turned into sulfuric acid by magic and it melted the retard’s dick off but it turned into a giant magical dick with warts on it that had organic fish-hooks all on it and it kept going in and out of the wound on the poor guy who’s head was in the vice. Then the dick turned into a giant chainsaw that had lemon juice and paper cut stuff and acid and piss on the blades and it was still fucking the guy in the wound in his head that was starting to get festered and maggots were all in it. Then the huge magical dick turned into five dicks: One of them had sixty-thousand hundred doberman pinscher dicks all on it with nails instead of cum. The second one had a mutant lobster growing out of it that clamped on the guy whose head was in the vice on his balls and squeezed. The third one only squirted out giant retarded Mexicans who had rabies and who all buttfucked the poor guy. The fourth one was really made out of a zillion other dicks that had lice on them and also ticks and maggot shit. The fifth one was also in another dimension at the same time was fucking all kinds of different people who all had their heads in vices by magic. But just then the second one turned into the fifth one by mistake so it stopped fucking everybody except the one guy who’s head was in the vice. Then the first and second one turned into eight more dicks and they all had warts on them that leaked raccoon sperm onto the floor that was magic and turned into a bleeding rectum that was worshipped as a god in this other dimension where none of the dicks were fucking anything. But the guy’s head was starting to swell up in the vice and the pressure was becoming unendurable to him and so was the pain. But all the other dicks studded themselves with iron spikes that were rusty and covered with rodent shit and they all started competition to see which one was going to fuck the wound in the guy’s head the most. But the head wound ripped and tore and hurt real bad so more of the metallic, spiked and infected dicks could fuck it. They just kept fucking that guy in the head over and over again for all eternity. Suddenly one of the dicks stopped fucking the guy in the head wound for a second but started right back up doing it again after a minute. Then almost half of the dicks started to cum, but they came shit instead of cum and it increased the guy’s discomfort immensely to be covered all in stinky shit while being head fucked by dozens and dozens (if not thousands) of demonic dicks. Then a couple thousand MORE dicks showed up, some of which were endowed with red hot anvils instead of glanses and they simultaneously began fucking the guy’s wound, hurting him even more. One of the dicks that had the anvil instead of the glans split in two and each half sprouted a computer program that somehow animated all the factories in Nazi Germany to start producing these giant bionic dicks that each had thousands of separate torture devices attatched to them and they were all air-lifed, one by one, to where the guy had his head in a vice and they stood in line to fuck him in the head wound. Meanwhile some of the dicks who were waiting to fuck the guy’s head wound were standing around smoking cigarettes and talking about stuff and then the whistle blew and they had to put out the cigarettes and go in and fuck the guy in the head some more. But some of the dicks started running out of energy and the guy noticed that there was some relief in part of his head where a few of the dicks had stopped fucking him in it, but then a whole load of brand new dick batteries were brought and installed and the dicks that had stopped started fucking him in the head wound again even harder and faster than before because of the new batteries. But then one of the guards who was watching on the monitors noticed that a couple of the dicks (the ones with brillo pads instead of glans) had snuck away to the bathroom to fuck each other and the guard told on them and they had to come back to start fucking the guy’s head wound some more. Then suddenly all the matter in the universe coalesced into one giant dick and fucked the guy for a couple of weeks until the energy build up cause a critical mass and the giant universe dick exploded and turned into over SIXTY BILLION still fairly large dicks that all had lesions all over them that leaked every disease known to man out of them. Then this one real tiny dick was fucking the guy and he couldn’t even feel that one because of all the giant dicks that were fucking him in the head, that somebody noticed that he couldn’t feel that little tiny dick and they turned it into the biggest dick yet by magic. Then some of the dicks got injected with speed and started fucking him in the head REAL FAST until it all hurt so bad that the guy started screaming and vomiting. But all the dicks just scarfed up the vomit and mixed it with their acid cum and squirted all over the guy in his head wound again. And this went on for the rest of the guy’s life and to all his kids and neighbors too.

The End


FINALLY! The entire run of the immortal ZAP! Comix is being re-issued in a deluxe, two-volume collection sometime this fall by Fantagraphics Books. Relive those halcyon tales of Captain Pissgums & His Pervert Pirates; Mr. Natural; Coochy Cooty; the Checkered Demon; and all the rest. These are the comix that bent our brains in the ‘60s and ‘70s. The comix that dared to show the twisted mind exploits of Robert Crumb; S. Clay Wilson; Victor Moscoso; Gilbert Shelton; Rick Griffin; Spain Rodriguez; and many others. Acid-drenched and filled with sex-crazed aliens, lusty demons, wise-ass perverts, and more sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll than you can shake a 7-foot blue-veined throbber at, ZAP! Comix is the pinnacle of underground comix. Order yours ASAP!

Gardens of Spring

Once upon a time there was this one guy that liked to eat about eighty hundred cans of Wolf Brand chili with no beans and then make a appointment at a bank to talk with a loan officer. Then he would go in for his appointment and start shitting in his pants and farting all the time while they were talking until the loan officer was getting grossed out and about to gag. Then the guy would whip down his pants and start jacking off while throwing shit all on the loan officer and then he would whip out a shotgun and start blasting all the artificial plants in the bank lobby and then run away before the police could get there. That was the only way that the guy could get sexually satisfied was by doing that. So one day he was buying about a thousand hundred cans of chili and this other guy whose wife was a bank loan officer until that guy came in and threw shit at her and now she had to get counseling, saw the guy and decided to follow him to see where he lived and tell the police. But the guy all of the sudden whipped out a can opener and started in eating the chili right out of the can while it was still cold right there in the aisle of the store where he was at. And when he ate about thirty hundred cans of it he started to take a big shit right there in the store. But just before he could take a shit the other guy got real turned on even though he wasn’t a homo and started in jacking off while watching the other guy try to take a shit. Just then this all lesbian motorcycle gang invaded the store to rob it so they could have money to buy cigars and whiskey and they saw the two guys. Just then the first guy started to have shit coming out of his asshole and the other guy started jacking off much faster. The lesbians all of the sudden decided to not be homos and started in trying to get the two guys to fuck them. All of the sudden all the lesbians who were now not lesbians all started to take a shit at the same time. Just then an entire Sunday school class that was on a field trip to a grocery store came in and the leader of the class always liked to have shit all on his dick when he jacked off but kept it a secret from the church. But when he saw the ex-lesbians all shitting at the same time and the one guy shitting too and the other guy jacking off to the whole spectacle, he couldn’t resist reaching in his vest pocket and pulling out a baggie full of shit that he had saved for three weeks and eating it while he started jacking off. But one of the kids in the Sunday school’s dad was there and had a deer rifle in the truck and was a redneck. So he decided to kill all the people because they were perverts. But when he got his deer rifle, he changed his mind and decided to put shit in the barrel of the rifle and put a bullet in the other end and shoot the load of shit into his dick. But there was too much power in the bullet and it blew the shit straight up through his head and killed him, but one of the kids in the Sunday School class that was a retard started fucking him in the skull hole after he was dead. When the first guy saw this, he got the idea to blow a hole in his own skull and fuck himself in the head. But when he did he just died and so everybody else fucked him in the hole in his head even the bikers who had turned back into lesbians again and had to use dildoes.

The End