B-. Or perhaps C.

Yesterday’s Shadows

Once upon a time there was this one guy who invented this device that made it easier to shove shit up one’s dick. So he patented it and took it on the road to try to sell it so he could make a lot of money and retire young and be able to devote more time to his Sunday school class over at the Pentacostal Church. So he pulls up in front of this other guy’s house and gets out and rings the doorbell. But when the guy opens the door the first guy notices that he has a dick that’s about four times larger than normal and it has a little bit of shit dripping out of it. So the first guy says, “How did you get that shit all in your dick?” And the second guy goes, “I bought this device that makes it easy to put shit in your dick and it was only $49.95.” Well the first guy got real freaked out because he thought he was the first to invent such a device and plus he was selling his for $59.95 which was ten dollars more than the other guy. So then the other guy laughed and said, “I’m just kidding. I really don’t have such a device and it took me several hours to get all this shit in my dick and I sure wish there was a real device that would do it easier.” Well, the first guy didn’t need to be told twice. He suddenly took his device out of the box and presented it to the other guy and said, “Here, sir, I have just such a device and it’s only $59.95.” Well the other guy was so happy he wrote that guy a check and took it in his house. After several hours of happily stuffing shit up his dick with it, he decided to attempt something really perverted that was against the law, which was he tried to vomit in the device and stick that up his dick too. But the device had a police warning built-in that the first guy didn’t tell him about and it went off and the police came and arrested him and charged him with shoving vomit up his dick. But the law was vague on the issue and the guy successfully argued that since he already had lots of shit shoved up his dick, that he was actually shoving the vomit into shit, technically speaking. Well, the judge accepted this line of reasoning and let the guy off with a warning. But then the guy, without warning, cut his dick off and began flogging the judge with it. Shit flew everywhere and since it was mixed with vomit too, the people in the courtroom were shocked and it made all the papers around the world and gave this one kid the idea to mix shit with vomit and eat it and he did and got sick and got an intestinal infection and died in horrible agony.

The End

Hyper Death Babies III

Great Lost Technical Death

I’ve never understood why Brutality never entered the pantheon of immortal Technical Death Metal bands. Especially because of this album, which is about as perfect a TDM album as I’ve ever heard. I was listening to a lot of Atheist and early Suffocation when I stumbled upon this superb release and thought, “This band’s gonna be totally worshipped some day.” Then they just sort of faded out, whether due to internal disputes, line-up changes or just scene burn-out. I guess we’ll never know.

Although every song is excellent, my favorite cut on this release is “Cries of the Forsaken,” which epitomizes everything that’s right about this release. Beginning with ponderous downtuned rhythm guitar interspersed with wailing twin lead accents, the song soon escalates into a technical marvel bursting with energy and solid HEAVY metallic drum salvos. Vocalist Scott Reigel, whose diminutive stature belies his ability to reach into the depths of DM growls, explores the typical early-90s lyrical gore fare. Although it might be a bit dated as metal poetry, it doesn’t detract in the least from the intensity of Brutality’s performance.

Brutality do some amazing things with rhythm and timing. Check out “These Walls Shall Be Your Grave.” The rhythm line played by the guitarists slides completely out of time with what the drummer is doing, almost like polyrhythm, and then comes right back to the one before going completely outside again. Over and over. Sort of like what Cryptopsy used to do but maintaining the classic Florida DM sound while doing it. This song proves that these guys were certainly no slouches when it comes to musicality. They can fucking PLAY! The entire release just abounds with little technical touches that’ll make you shout, “Hell yeah!” Or “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Even the obligatory keyboard/acoustic guitar piece, called “Sympathy” is effective and well played with an interesting melody.

Like most of the TDM bands of that era, the guitarists take a lot of cues from Maiden – beautiful twin melodic playing; arrangements festooned with precision hammer-ons/offs; complimentary simul-soloing. And most of the songs achieve a “Tornado of Souls” type intensity, especially the way the band ends their songs.

One of the most surprising things about Brutality is that the members, after the band disintegrated, didn’t seem to go on to higher fame. Especially drummer Jim Coker. He’s a fucking  monster on this release. Killer double-kick that actually stays in time with the songs’ tempi. Listen to how many crap DM drummers there are out there trying to cover up going out of time every other measure and one can appreciate when a DM drummer is doing it right. And although there’s plenty of (good) blasting, that’s not all Coker does. Hell, he sounds almost jazzy half the time.

Unfortunately Brutality’s later releases, with different line-ups, don’t hold a candle to this magnificent debut. If you’re searching for something that’ll have you banging like you did a decade ago, but with production quality that rivals today’s best DM releases, you could do worse than picking up Screams of Anguish. The band’s motto sums it all up: MUSIC TO MANGLE YOUR MIND!

Black Is The Knots

by Rev. Sternodox (age 8)

Once upon a time this little girl named Suzy lived in a cozy cottage and had a cute little kitten named Fluffy that she petted and brushed all the time and nothing bad ever happened to her. But right next door there was a family that was retarded and cannibals and they had a laboratory that they experimented on animals and stuff in. One day Luther, the dad of the cannibal family, came home with a sack full of cute bunnies. All of the kids in the family jerked the bunnies out of the bag and bit the heads off of them all and got the blood all over their selves and also all over the floor. But the Mom of the cannibal family got mad at this and had a chainsaw that she started and ripped the guts out of each of her children with the chainsaw. When Luther saw this he got real mad too and grabbed the chainsaw from the wife, but he grabbed where the sharp part was and it was still on so it cut all his fingers off. He screamed and the bones were sticking out. Then all of the sudden a giant time warp came and these creatures that had eighty hundred heads on their dick came through the time warp. But the Mom was too drunk and spinned around and cut sixty hundred of the heads off of the creature’s dicks and their blood was green and got mixed in the red blood of the cannibal kids. But just then Fluffy got out and Suzy ran next door to find her and looked through the front window of the cannibal family house and saw all the pretty colors that the blood made when running together all on the floor and all on the wall. So she ran back and told her Dad of it. But her Dad all of the sudden turned into the mummy by magic and strangled Suzy. But Fluffy got this magic rock that was in the cannibal house and when she swallowed it it turned her into a giant alien that ran back to the house and killed Suzy’s dad who was really the mummy. Just then a firetruck that had two guys in it that were homos but were married and their wifes didn’t know about how they buttfucked each other in the back of the truck. But Fluffy turned back into a little kitten and ran in front of the firetruck and got squished flat by it. Just then a giant UFO came down and it was from Venus and had these other giant aliens in it that were shaped like giant turds and also smelled like that too. But Suzy was still barely alive and was in a great deal of pain from having all of her bones broke and almost skinned alive. Then Fluffy came back as a vampire kitten and killed the two homos in the firetruck by sucking all the blood out of them both. Then the aliens and Fluffy had a giant war in the yard of the house that the cannibal family lived in and knocked the house back a few feet and exposed the basement and when the police came they saw that all the missing children and pets from the neighborhood were in the basement and all chopped up and buttfucked and rigor-mortised and stinky and rotten and all corpses. And so they all solved the mystery of where those kids and pets went and got a huge reward and moved to the Bahamas where some of the policemen strangled this girl in this bikini and had to go to death row where they were put in a electric chair and all killed.

The End

The Ultimate Doom Oddity

Although Visceral Evisceration probably didn’t have access to the same medical pathology textbooks Carcass did, the lyrical spirit is the same. Primarily interested in dismemberment, cannibalism, rape, and more dismemberment, VE can barely be distinguished from Cannibal Corpse, Vomitory or the aforementioned Carcass in their early, glory-gory days.

If one only reads the lyric sheet and never listens to the music, that is.

This is one of the oddest, most compelling and most hauntingly beautiful metal recordings I’ve ever encountered. Simply put, this is exquisite Doom Metal in the finest musical tradition of Thergothon and dISEMBOWELMENT. Slow coursing riffs fleshed out with crystalline lead guitar, acrobatic drumming, clean and growled male vocals, and one of the most arresting and gorgeously throated female vocalists extant, mesh to create an enticing atmosphere of paradoxical beauty. One can easily appreciate this album on a purely musical level since the Austrian band’s vocalists sing with such heavy accents that the lyrics are quite difficult to discern, at least to American ears.

How can one even reconcile the juxtaposition of such tremendous Doom beauty with the morbid overload of grotesque imagery that graces this band’s words? In the end, there is no reconciliation possible. Like the art of Picabia or the noise constructs of Stockhausen, one must simply experience this band and recognize that they forged their own way and then bulldozed the results to obliteration so that nobody could ever follow their demented path. Certainly I’ve never heard another band anything like this.
This one has everything the Doom aficionado could ask for. It’s slow. It’s heavy. It’s plodding. It’s melodic. And it’s filled with inventive surprises. Check out the Jimi Hendrix throwback guitar hammer-ons after the second verse of “(I Am) Enamored of Dead Bodies.” Those few seconds alone make this band a worthwhile discovery. The opening riff to “Chewing Female Genital Parts” belongs in the pantheon of great metal intros. That song, one of the album’s finest, is a sludge-besmirched bent-string monster of Sabbath worship that begs the question, “What hath Iommi wrought?” And ending the song by having the angelic female vocalist trill lines like “Smell of cooked, simmered flesh/Serving her for dessert, garnished with bacon” … well, what can one even say?

Possibly the most disturbing bit on the album occurs during the song “Tender Flesh … On The Bier,” when the female vocalist (who is not named on this release as far as I could tell) sings “Provided with surgical instruments/Exquisite supper of excrements” in a bizarre, warbling vocal style sounding for all the world like a demented Greek chorus.

The one riff that will capture the awe and amazement of fans from Sabbath to Winter occurs in the song, “Knee-Deep In Blood I Wade.” Only four lines of lyrics embellish this swirling miasma of down-tuned six-string wonderment. It’s essentially an instrumental that allows the entire band to show their stuff. And show it they do!

This album was released in 1994 but can still be found in its original incarnation if one looks hard enough. It has been re-released by Napalm Records with slightly altered cover art. Either version is highly worthwhile tracking down. If you want to hear something that is truly different, this is the release for you.

Anal Cunt Song Titles

Let’s face it … nobody buys Anal Cunt albums for the music. They buy them for the song titles. So, since Seth’s dead now and doesn’t give a fuck any more, here’s a handy-dandy list of all the best A/C song titles. Yup, all the best song titles have already been used, so you might as well give up your stupid idea of forming a band and become a mime or something.

1. Face It. You’re A Metal Band
2. Punching Joe Bonni’s Face In
3. Kill Women
4. Steroids Guy
5. Everyone In Allston Should Be Killed
6. I Noticed That You’re Gay
7. Dead. Gay. And Dropped
8. You Look Divorced
9. I Hope You Get Deported
10. Mike Mahan Has Gingivitis
11. Trapped
12. You’re A Fucking Cunt
13. Phyllis Is An Old Annoying Cunt
14. Al Stankus Is Always On The Phone With His Bookie
15. Bill Scott’s Dumb
16. Harvey Korman Is Gay
17. You Fucking Freak
18. Theme From Three’s Company
19. Jeanine Jizm Is A Freak
20. Everyone In Anal Cunt Is Dumb
21. I Just Saw The Gayest Guy On Earth
22. Johnny Violent Getting His Ass Kicked By Morrisey
23. Metamorphosis
24. I’m Sick Of You
25. Howard Wulkan’s Bald
26. You’re A Trendy Fucking Pussy
27. Tom Arnold
28. I Got Athletes Foot Showering At Mike’s
29. Big Pants. Bigger Loser
30. Marc Payson Is A Drunk
31. Your Family Is Dumb
32. Furnace
33. You’re Dumb
34. Van Full Of Retards
35. Deche Charge Are A Bunch Of Fucking Losers
36. Everyone In The Underground Music Scene Is Dumb
37. Dumb. Fat. And Gross
38. I’m Not Stubborn
39. Mike Mahan’s Sty
40. 02657
41. Gloves Of Metal
42.  Some Songs
43. Some More Songs
44. Blur Including New H.C. Song
45. Even More Songs
46. Tim
47. Judge
48. Spin Cycle
49. Song #8
50. Pavorotti
51.  Unbelievable (EMF cover)
52.  Music Sucks
53. Newest H.C. Song #1
54. Chiffon and Chips
55. Guy Smiley
56.  Seth
57.  I’m Not Allowed to Like A.C. Any More Since They Signed to Earache
58. A. Ex. A Blur
59. G.M.O.T.R.
60. I’m Wicked Underground
61. Blur Including G
62. Shut Up Mike
63. Abomination of Unnecessarily Augmented Composition Monickers
64. Radio Hit
65. Loser
66. When I Think of True Punk Rock Bands, I Think of Nirvana and the Melvins
67. Eddy Grant (Eddy Grant cover)
68. MTV Is My Source for New Music
69. Song Titles Are Fucking Stupid
70. Having to Make Up Song Titles Sucks
71. Well You Know, Mean Gene…”
72. Song #5
73. Iron Funeral
74. Chapel of Gristle
75. Hellbent for Leatherman
76. Alcoholic
77. Chump Change
78. Slow Song from Split 7”
79. Les Binks’ Hairstyle
80. Newest H.C. Song #2
81. Greatful Dead
82. Ageing Disgracefully
83. Brutally Morbid Axe of Satan
84. Surfer
85. You Must Be Wicked Underground If You Own This
86. Choke Edge
87. Otis Sistrunk
88. Russty Knoife
89. Fred Bash
90. Guess Which 10 of These Are Actual Song Titles
91. Our Band Is Wicked Sick (We Have the Flu)
92. Guy le Fleur
93. Song #3
94. Empire Sandwich Shop
95. Morrissey
96. Selling Out By Having Song Titles on His Album
97. Grindcore Is Very Terrifying
98. Song #6
99. Guy Lombardo
100. Some Hits
101. Some More Hits
102. Pepe, the Gay Waiter
103. Even More Hits
104. M.J.C.
105. Flower Shop Guy
106. Living Colour Is My Favorite Black Metal Band
107. Lenny’s In My Basement
108. Stayin’ Alive (Oi! Version)
109. Benchpressing Effects on Kevin Sharp’s Vocals
110. Josue
111. Delicious Face Style
112. 19 to Go
113. Stealing Seth’s Ideas: the New Book by Jon Chang
114. Morbid Dead Guy
115. Believe in the King
116. Don’t Call Japanese Hardcore Jap Core
117. Shut Up Mike (Part 2)
118. Hey, Aren’t You Gary Spivey?
119. Breastfeeding J.M. J. Bullock’s Toenail Collection
120. Foreplay With a Tree Shredder
121. 2 Down; 5 to Go
122. I Liked Earache Better When Dig Answered the Phone
123. Brain Dead
124. Newest H.C. Song #3
125. The Sultry Ways of Steve Berger
126. Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
127. Lives Ruined by Music
128. Still a Freshman After All These Years
129. I’m Still Standing
130. Art Fag
131. John
132. Newest H.C. Song #4
133. Song #9
134. Cleft Palate
135. Theme From The A-Team
136. Old Lady Across the Hall With No Life
137. Shut Up Paul
138. Lazy Eye (Once a Hank, Always a Hank
139. American Woman
140. Jack Kevorkian is Cool
141. ValuJet
142. You’ve Got No Friends
143. You Keep a Diary
144. You Own a Store
145. You Got Date Raped
146. Recycling is Gay
147. You’re a Cop
148. You Can’t Shut Up
149. You’ve Got Cancer
150. We Just Disagree
151. Hungry Hungry Hippos
152. You Are an Interior Decorator
153. Pottery’s Gay
154. Rich Goyette is Gay
155. Branscombe Richmond
156. You Live in Allston
157. You Are a Food Critic
158. Just the Two of Us
159. Your Band’s In the Cut-Out Bin
160. You’re Gay
161. You Look Adopted
162. Your Cousin is George Lynch
163. You Have Goals
164. You Drive an IROC
165. You Play On a Softball Team
166. Because You’re Old
167. You Sell Cologne
168. Being a Cobbler Is Dumb
169. You Live in a Houseboat
170. Richard Butler
171. 311 Sucks
172. Your Kid is Deformed
173. You Are an Orphan
174. You’re Old (Fuck You)
175. You Go to Art School
176. Your Best Friend Is You
177. You’re in a Coma
178. Windchimes Are Gay
179. No, We Don’t Want to Do a Split Seven-Inch With Your Stupid Fucking Band
180. René Auberjonois
181. The Internet is Gay
182. Ha Ha, Your Wife Left You
183. Hootie and the Blowfish
184. You Went to See Dishwalla and Everclear (You’re Gay)
185. Locking Dropdead in McDonald’s
186. Technology’s Gay
187. Your Favorite Band is Supertramp
188. I’m in A.C.
189. You (Fill In the Blank)
190. Kyle From Incantation Has a Moustache
191. Bonus Track #3
192. I Became a Counselor So I Could Tell Rape Victims They Asked for It
193. Easy E Got AIDS from Freddie Mercury
194. I Like Drugs and Child Abuse
195. Laughing While Leonard Peltier Gets Raped in Prison
196. I Convinced You to Beat Your Wife on a Daily Basis
197. I Sent Concentration Camp Footage to America’s Funniest Home Videos
198. Rancid Sucks (And The Clash Sucked Too)
199. I Paid J. Howell to Rape You
200. I Pushed Your Wife in Front of the Subway
201. Extreme Noise Terror Are Afraid of Us
202. You Rollerblading Faggot
203. I Sent a Thank You Card to the Guy Who Raped You
204. I Lit Your Baby on Fire
205. Body by Auschwitz
206. I Intentionally Ran Over Your Dog
207. Sweatshops Are Cool
208. Women: Nature’s Punching Bag
209. I Snuck a Retard into a Sperm Bank
210. Your Kid Committed Suicide Because You Suck
211. I Ate Your Horse
212. Hitler Was a Sensitive Man
213. You Robbed a Sperm Bank Because You’re a Cum Guzzling Fag
214. I Made Your Kid Get AIDS So You Could Watch It Die
215. I Fucked Your Wife
216. Into the Oven
217. I Gave NAMBLA Pictures of Your Kid
218. The Only Reason Men Talk to You is Because They Want to Get Laid, You Stupid Fucking Cunt
219. I Made Fun of You Because Your Kid Just Died
220. Domestic Violence Is Really, Really, Really Funny
221. Dictators Are Cool
222. Deadbeat Dads Are Cool
223. I’m Really Excited About the Upcoming David Buskin Concert
224. Being Ignorant Is Awesome
225. You’re Pregnant, So I Kicked You in the Stomach
226. Chris Barnes Is a Pussy
227. Tim Is Gay
228. BT/A.C.
229. I Sold Your Dog to a Chinese Restaurant
230. I Got an Office Job for the Sole Purpose of Sexually Harassing Women