Once upon a time there was this one guy who invented this device that made it easier to shove shit up one’s dick. So he patented it and took it on the road to try to sell it so he could make a lot of money and retire young and be able to devote more time to his Sunday school class over at the Pentacostal Church. So he pulls up in front of this other guy’s house and gets out and rings the doorbell. But when the guy opens the door the first guy notices that he has a dick that’s about four times larger than normal and it has a little bit of shit dripping out of it. So the first guy says, “How did you get that shit all in your dick?” And the second guy goes, “I bought this device that makes it easy to put shit in your dick and it was only $49.95.” Well the first guy got real freaked out because he thought he was the first to invent such a device and plus he was selling his for $59.95 which was ten dollars more than the other guy. So then the other guy laughed and said, “I’m just kidding. I really don’t have such a device and it took me several hours to get all this shit in my dick and I sure wish there was a real device that would do it easier.” Well, the first guy didn’t need to be told twice. He suddenly took his device out of the box and presented it to the other guy and said, “Here, sir, I have just such a device and it’s only $59.95.” Well the other guy was so happy he wrote that guy a check and took it in his house. After several hours of happily stuffing shit up his dick with it, he decided to attempt something really perverted that was against the law, which was he tried to vomit in the device and stick that up his dick too. But the device had a police warning built-in that the first guy didn’t tell him about and it went off and the police came and arrested him and charged him with shoving vomit up his dick. But the law was vague on the issue and the guy successfully argued that since he already had lots of shit shoved up his dick, that he was actually shoving the vomit into shit, technically speaking. Well, the judge accepted this line of reasoning and let the guy off with a warning. But then the guy, without warning, cut his dick off and began flogging the judge with it. Shit flew everywhere and since it was mixed with vomit too, the people in the courtroom were shocked and it made all the papers around the world and gave this one kid the idea to mix shit with vomit and eat it and he did and got sick and got an intestinal infection and died in horrible agony.

The End

Hyper Death Babies III

Jul26

Great Lost Technical Death

Jul26

I’ve never understood why Brutality never entered the pantheon of immortal Technical Death Metal bands. Especially because of this album, which is about as perfect a TDM album as I’ve ever heard. I was listening to a lot of Atheist and early Suffocation when I stumbled upon this superb release and thought, “This band’s gonna be totally worshipped some day.” Then they just sort of faded out, whether due to internal disputes, line-up changes or just scene burn-out. I guess we’ll never know.

Although every song is excellent, my favorite cut on this release is “Cries of the Forsaken,” which epitomizes everything that’s right about this release. Beginning with ponderous downtuned rhythm guitar interspersed with wailing twin lead accents, the song soon escalates into a technical marvel bursting with energy and solid HEAVY metallic drum salvos. Vocalist Scott Reigel, whose diminutive stature belies his ability to reach into the depths of DM growls, explores the typical early-90s lyrical gore fare. Although it might be a bit dated as metal poetry, it doesn’t detract in the least from the intensity of Brutality’s performance.

Brutality do some amazing things with rhythm and timing. Check out “These Walls Shall Be Your Grave.” The rhythm line played by the guitarists slides completely out of time with what the drummer is doing, almost like polyrhythm, and then comes right back to the one before going completely outside again. Over and over. Sort of like what Cryptopsy used to do but maintaining the classic Florida DM sound while doing it. This song proves that these guys were certainly no slouches when it comes to musicality. They can fucking PLAY! The entire release just abounds with little technical touches that’ll make you shout, “Hell yeah!” Or “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Even the obligatory keyboard/acoustic guitar piece, called “Sympathy” is effective and well played with an interesting melody.

Like most of the TDM bands of that era, the guitarists take a lot of cues from Maiden – beautiful twin melodic playing; arrangements festooned with precision hammer-ons/offs; complimentary simul-soloing. And most of the songs achieve a “Tornado of Souls” type intensity, especially the way the band ends their songs.

One of the most surprising things about Brutality is that the members, after the band disintegrated, didn’t seem to go on to higher fame. Especially drummer Jim Coker. He’s a fucking monster on this release. Killer double-kick that actually stays in time with the songs’ tempi. Listen to how many crap DM drummers there are out there trying to cover up going out of time every other measure and one can appreciate when a DM drummer is doing it right. And although there’s plenty of (good) blasting, that’s not all Coker does. Hell, he sounds almost jazzy half the time.

Unfortunately Brutality’s later releases, with different line-ups, don’t hold a candle to this magnificent debut. If you’re searching for something that’ll have you banging like you did a decade ago, but with production quality that rivals today’s best DM releases, you could do worse than picking up Screams of Anguish. The band’s motto sums it all up: MUSIC TO MANGLE YOUR MIND!

Black Is The Knots

Jul17

by Rev. Sternodox (age 8)

Once upon a time this little girl named Suzy lived in a cozy cottage and had a cute little kitten named Fluffy that she petted and brushed all the time and nothing bad ever happened to her. But right next door there was a family that was retarded and cannibals and they had a laboratory that they experimented on animals and stuff in. One day Luther, the dad of the cannibal family, came home with a sack full of cute bunnies. All of the kids in the family jerked the bunnies out of the bag and bit the heads off of them all and got the blood all over their selves and also all over the floor. But the Mom of the cannibal family got mad at this and had a chainsaw that she started and ripped the guts out of each of her children with the chainsaw. When Luther saw this he got real mad too and grabbed the chainsaw from the wife, but he grabbed where the sharp part was and it was still on so it cut all his fingers off. He screamed and the bones were sticking out. Then all of the sudden a giant time warp came and these creatures that had eighty hundred heads on their dick came through the time warp. But the Mom was too drunk and spinned around and cut sixty hundred of the heads off of the creature’s dicks and their blood was green and got mixed in the red blood of the cannibal kids. But just then Fluffy got out and Suzy ran next door to find her and looked through the front window of the cannibal family house and saw all the pretty colors that the blood made when running together all on the floor and all on the wall. So she ran back and told her Dad of it. But her Dad all of the sudden turned into the mummy by magic and strangled Suzy. But Fluffy got this magic rock that was in the cannibal house and when she swallowed it it turned her into a giant alien that ran back to the house and killed Suzy’s dad who was really the mummy. Just then a firetruck that had two guys in it that were homos but were married and their wifes didn’t know about how they buttfucked each other in the back of the truck. But Fluffy turned back into a little kitten and ran in front of the firetruck and got squished flat by it. Just then a giant UFO came down and it was from Venus and had these other giant aliens in it that were shaped like giant turds and also smelled like that too. But Suzy was still barely alive and was in a great deal of pain from having all of her bones broke and almost skinned alive. Then Fluffy came back as a vampire kitten and killed the two homos in the firetruck by sucking all the blood out of them both. Then the aliens and Fluffy had a giant war in the yard of the house that the cannibal family lived in and knocked the house back a few feet and exposed the basement and when the police came they saw that all the missing children and pets from the neighborhood were in the basement and all chopped up and buttfucked and rigor-mortised and stinky and rotten and all corpses. And so they all solved the mystery of where those kids and pets went and got a huge reward and moved to the Bahamas where some of the policemen strangled this girl in this bikini and had to go to death row where they were put in a electric chair and all killed.

The End

The Ultimate Doom Oddity

Jul16

Although Visceral Evisceration probably didn’t have access to the same medical pathology textbooks Carcass did, the lyrical spirit is the same. Primarily interested in dismemberment, cannibalism, rape, and more dismemberment, VE can barely be distinguished from Cannibal Corpse, Vomitory or the aforementioned Carcass in their early, glory-gory days.

If one only reads the lyric sheet and never listens to the music, that is.

This is one of the oddest, most compelling and most hauntingly beautiful metal recordings I’ve ever encountered. Simply put, this is exquisite Doom Metal in the finest musical tradition of Thergothon and dISEMBOWELMENT. Slow coursing riffs fleshed out with crystalline lead guitar, acrobatic drumming, clean and growled male vocals, and one of the most arresting and gorgeously throated female vocalists extant, mesh to create an enticing atmosphere of paradoxical beauty. One can easily appreciate this album on a purely musical level since the Austrian band’s vocalists sing with such heavy accents that the lyrics are quite difficult to discern, at least to American ears.

How can one even reconcile the juxtaposition of such tremendous Doom beauty with the morbid overload of grotesque imagery that graces this band’s words? In the end, there is no reconciliation possible. Like the art of Picabia or the noise constructs of Stockhausen, one must simply experience this band and recognize that they forged their own way and then bulldozed the results to obliteration so that nobody could ever follow their demented path. Certainly I’ve never heard another band anything like this.
This one has everything the Doom aficionado could ask for. It’s slow. It’s heavy. It’s plodding. It’s melodic. And it’s filled with inventive surprises. Check out the Jimi Hendrix throwback guitar hammer-ons after the second verse of “(I Am) Enamored of Dead Bodies.” Those few seconds alone make this band a worthwhile discovery. The opening riff to “Chewing Female Genital Parts” belongs in the pantheon of great metal intros. That song, one of the album’s finest, is a sludge-besmirched bent-string monster of Sabbath worship that begs the question, “What hath Iommi wrought?” And ending the song by having the angelic female vocalist trill lines like “Smell of cooked, simmered flesh/Serving her for dessert, garnished with bacon” … well, what can one even say?

Possibly the most disturbing bit on the album occurs during the song “Tender Flesh … On The Bier,” when the female vocalist (who is not named on this release as far as I could tell) sings “Provided with surgical instruments/Exquisite supper of excrements” in a bizarre, warbling vocal style sounding for all the world like a demented Greek chorus.

The one riff that will capture the awe and amazement of fans from Sabbath to Winter occurs in the song, “Knee-Deep In Blood I Wade.” Only four lines of lyrics embellish this swirling miasma of down-tuned six-string wonderment. It’s essentially an instrumental that allows the entire band to show their stuff. And show it they do!

This album was released in 1994 but can still be found in its original incarnation if one looks hard enough. It has been re-released by Napalm Records with slightly altered cover art. Either version is highly worthwhile tracking down. If you want to hear something that is truly different, this is the release for you.

Anal Cunt Song Titles

Jul13

Let’s face it … nobody buys Anal Cunt albums for the music. They buy them for the song titles. So, since Seth’s dead now and doesn’t give a fuck any more, here’s a handy-dandy list of all the best A/C song titles. Yup, all the best song titles have already been used, so you might as well give up your stupid idea of forming a band and become a mime or something.

Face It. You’re A Metal Band
Punching Joe Bonni’s Face In
Kill Women
Steroids Guy
Everyone In Allston Should Be Killed
I Noticed That You’re Gay
Dead. Gay. And Dropped
You Look Divorced
I Hope You Get Deported
Mike Mahan Has Gingivitis
Trapped
You’re A Fucking Cunt
Phyllis Is An Old Annoying Cunt
Al Stankus Is Always On The Phone With His Bookie
Bill Scott’s Dumb
Harvey Korman Is Gay
You Fucking Freak
Theme From Three’s Company
Jeanine Jizm Is A Freak
Everyone In Anal Cunt Is Dumb
I Just Saw The Gayest Guy On Earth
Johnny Violent Getting His Ass Kicked By Morrisey
Metamorphosis
I’m Sick Of You
Howard Wulkan’s Bald
You’re A Trendy Fucking Pussy
Tom Arnold
I Got Athletes Foot Showering At Mike’s
Big Pants. Bigger Loser
Marc Payson Is A Drunk
Your Family Is Dumb
Furnace
You’re Dumb
Van Full Of Retards
Deche Charge Are A Bunch Of Fucking Losers
Everyone In The Underground Music Scene Is Dumb
Dumb. Fat. And Gross
I’m Not Stubborn
Mike Mahan’s Sty
02657
Gloves Of Metal
Some Songs
Some More Songs
Blur Including New H.C. Song
Even More Songs
Tim
Judge
Spin Cycle
Song #8
Pavorotti
Unbelievable (EMF cover)
Music Sucks
Newest H.C. Song #1
Chiffon and Chips
Guy Smiley
Seth
I’m Not Allowed to Like A.C. Any More Since They Signed to Earache
A. Ex. A Blur
G.M.O.T.R.
I’m Wicked Underground
Blur Including G
Shut Up Mike
Abomination of Unnecessarily Augmented Composition Monickers
Radio Hit
Loser
When I Think of True Punk Rock Bands, I Think of Nirvana and the Melvins
Eddy Grant (Eddy Grant cover)
MTV Is My Source for New Music
Song Titles Are Fucking Stupid
Having to Make Up Song Titles Sucks
Well You Know, Mean Gene…”
Song #5
Iron Funeral
Chapel of Gristle
Hellbent for Leatherman
Alcoholic
Chump Change
Slow Song from Split 7”
Les Binks’ Hairstyle
Newest H.C. Song #2
Greatful Dead
Ageing Disgracefully
Brutally Morbid Axe of Satan
Surfer
You Must Be Wicked Underground If You Own This
Choke Edge
Otis Sistrunk
Russty Knoife
Fred Bash
Guess Which 10 of These Are Actual Song Titles
Our Band Is Wicked Sick (We Have the Flu)
Guy le Fleur
Song #3
Empire Sandwich Shop
Morrissey
Selling Out By Having Song Titles on His Album
Grindcore Is Very Terrifying
Song #6
Guy Lombardo
Some Hits
Some More Hits
Pepe, the Gay Waiter
Even More Hits
M.J.C.
Flower Shop Guy
Living Colour Is My Favorite Black Metal Band
Lenny’s In My Basement
Stayin’ Alive (Oi! Version)
Benchpressing Effects on Kevin Sharp’s Vocals
Josue
Delicious Face Style
19 to Go
Stealing Seth’s Ideas: the New Book by Jon Chang
Morbid Dead Guy
Believe in the King
Don’t Call Japanese Hardcore Jap Core
Shut Up Mike (Part 2)
Hey, Aren’t You Gary Spivey?
Breastfeeding J.M. J. Bullock’s Toenail Collection
Foreplay With a Tree Shredder
2 Down; 5 to Go
I Liked Earache Better When Dig Answered the Phone
Brain Dead
Newest H.C. Song #3
The Sultry Ways of Steve Berger
Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
Lives Ruined by Music
Still a Freshman After All These Years
I’m Still Standing
Art Fag
John
Newest H.C. Song #4
Song #9
Cleft Palate
Theme From The A-Team
Old Lady Across the Hall With No Life
Shut Up Paul
Lazy Eye (Once a Hank, Always a Hank
American Woman
Jack Kevorkian is Cool
ValuJet
You’ve Got No Friends
You Keep a Diary
You Own a Store
You Got Date Raped
Recycling is Gay
You’re a Cop
You Can’t Shut Up
You’ve Got Cancer
We Just Disagree
Hungry Hungry Hippos
You Are an Interior Decorator
Pottery’s Gay
Rich Goyette is Gay
Branscombe Richmond
You Live in Allston
You Are a Food Critic
Just the Two of Us
Your Band’s In the Cut-Out Bin
You’re Gay
You Look Adopted
Your Cousin is George Lynch
You Have Goals
You Drive an IROC
You Play On a Softball Team
Because You’re Old
You Sell Cologne
Being a Cobbler Is Dumb
You Live in a Houseboat
Richard Butler
311 Sucks
Your Kid is Deformed
You Are an Orphan
You’re Old (Fuck You)
You Go to Art School
Your Best Friend Is You
You’re in a Coma
Windchimes Are Gay
No, We Don’t Want to Do a Split Seven-Inch With Your Stupid Fucking Band
René Auberjonois
The Internet is Gay
Ha Ha, Your Wife Left You
Hootie and the Blowfish
You Went to See Dishwalla and Everclear (You’re Gay)
Locking Dropdead in McDonald’s
Technology’s Gay
Your Favorite Band is Supertramp
I’m in A.C.
You (Fill In the Blank)
Kyle From Incantation Has a Moustache
Bonus Track #3
I Became a Counselor So I Could Tell Rape Victims They Asked for It
Easy E Got AIDS from Freddie Mercury
I Like Drugs and Child Abuse
Laughing While Leonard Peltier Gets Raped in Prison
I Convinced You to Beat Your Wife on a Daily Basis
I Sent Concentration Camp Footage to America’s Funniest Home Videos
Rancid Sucks (And The Clash Sucked Too)
I Paid J. Howell to Rape You
I Pushed Your Wife in Front of the Subway
Extreme Noise Terror Are Afraid of Us
You Rollerblading Faggot
I Sent a Thank You Card to the Guy Who Raped You
I Lit Your Baby on Fire
Body by Auschwitz
I Intentionally Ran Over Your Dog
Sweatshops Are Cool
Women: Nature’s Punching Bag
I Snuck a Retard into a Sperm Bank
Your Kid Committed Suicide Because You Suck
I Ate Your Horse
Hitler Was a Sensitive Man
You Robbed a Sperm Bank Because You’re a Cum Guzzling Fag
I Made Your Kid Get AIDS So You Could Watch It Die
I Fucked Your Wife
Into the Oven
I Gave NAMBLA Pictures of Your Kid
The Only Reason Men Talk to You is Because They Want to Get Laid, You Stupid Fucking Cunt
I Made Fun of You Because Your Kid Just Died
Domestic Violence Is Really, Really, Really Funny
Dictators Are Cool
Deadbeat Dads Are Cool
I’m Really Excited About the Upcoming David Buskin Concert
Being Ignorant Is Awesome
You’re Pregnant, So I Kicked You in the Stomach
Chris Barnes Is a Pussy
Tim Is Gay
BT/A.C.
I Sold Your Dog to a Chinese Restaurant
I Got an Office Job for the Sole Purpose of Sexually Harassing Women

Dismal Euphony’s Finest Hour

Jul13

Don’t let the fact that Dismal Euphony uses synths and female vocals dissuade you from giving Soria Moria Slott, a Black Metal masterpiece, a spin or ten. Throughout this album the listener is constantly shuffled back and forth amongst such diverse elements as: ethereal, haunting melodic vocal duets; ripping and distorted Black Metal guitar riffing driven by oddly muffled, blasting drumming; epic metalized folk melodies akin to the earlier work of Summoning; and grim, raw Black Metal pandemonium. All the vocals are sung in Norwegian.

The album opens with the 52-second track, “Prolog,” a nicely atmospheric synth repeated signature that ends abruptly before launching into “Et Vintereventyr,” a rollicking keyboard-driven showcase for Ole’s harsh vocals and simple but effective six-string riffing and Keltziva’s beautiful soprano vocal punctuations.

Next up is “Natten Loftec Sit Tunge,” a lofty but lo-fi, mid-paced Black Metal march into the apocalypse featuring some great bloody-throated shrieking and constantly shape-shifting melodic constructions.

“Alvedans” at first lulls the listener into a false sense of serenity with a neoclassical flute intro before launching into another mid-paced synth/guitar battle that eventually segues into “Fortidssjeledrepte?” a shattering number that is sure to please even the most diehard Immortal fanatic. Ironically, “Fortidssjeledrepte?” the most powerful track, wasn’t included on the original release of this album, and is only available on the limited edition re-release, which is the one I recommend acquiring. This release also has superior cover art.

A magnificent twin guitar intro quickly metamorphoses into the most epic track on the album. “Trolloundet” again recalls material by the likes of Summoning or Ancient Wisdom. Ole’s vocals are placed quite far back in the mix, almost hidden behind his rapidly picked, highly distorted arpeggios; a very effective combination that lends a latent power to the song that otherwise wouldn’t exist. And Keltziva’s angelic vocals absolutely shine on this track.

Next come the two longest cuts on the album: “Ekko” (9:49) and “Isgrav, Det Siste Hvilesred” (8:21). Both feature a plethora of Dismal Euphony’s strong points: Compelling folk melodies interspersed with tortured Black Metal vocals and distortion drenched guitars; excellent drumming; those gorgeous female vocals; and constantly shifting melodies that keep one’s interest piqued throughout.

Finally, “Epilog” brings us full circle, concluding the album with another simple synth melody that effects a soothing calm after the storm.

Unlike later D.E. releases, this one has vague production values that only serve to accentuate the atmosphere elicited by the terrific ensemble playing. This album should please Black Metal fans of all camps. From Darkthrone-worshipping grim-meisters to those who appreciate epic, symphonic Black Metal with outstanding male/female vocal interplay and lofty synth injections, this release should be a mandatory inclusion in any serious Black Metal collection.

NOTE: For those who are only familiar with All Little Devils and later releases, this version of Dismal Euphony has a significantly different line-up and sound. Vocalist Keltziva and keyboardist Elin Overskot (R.I.P.) were powerful and distinctive contributors to the musicality of Soria Moria Slott. The band’s sound changed significantly with their departure – more polished and less harsh. Indeed, the new D.E. doesn’t even sound like the same band. Although the later recordings are interesting, this is Dismal Euphony at their creative, dynamic peak.