At one point during my teenage years, ALL these posters adorned my bedroom walls simultaneously. Music, hot chicks, and being cool were the primary motivators here.

First off we have the ADORABLE Angela Cartwright from Lost in Space, who was my MAJOR crush for years.


This poster, a black-light beauty titled Gypsy Girl, marked my slow transition from dork to doper.


Jane Fonda. Barbarella. Under the sheets with the lights off. Often.


After Angela Cartwright, Julie Christie filled my teenage libido with rocket fuel.


Another black-light special. Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. Smuggling drugs on a chopped Harley. That’s what I wanted to do when I grew up.


Fathom. Raquel. Love the teaser.


This came in a vinyl box set that chronicled the closing of Bill Graham’s immortal venue. Although this was a bit later than the mid-60s Fillmore poster pinnacle, I thought the art was pretty cool.


Gidget. Sally Field. Number 3 after Angela and Julie.


Jacqueline Bisset. Number 4.


My ears were telling me that there was stuff going on toward which I should pay STRICT attention!




I had this one because … well, I fucking wanted to be cool didn’t I? And what’s cooler that flowers, love, and Mahesh Yogi? Well, lots of shit … but what the fuck did I know then?


This one was my prize exhibit. Hung it upside down at the head of my bed so I could …. you know. Racquel in One Million Years B.C.


Got this from those bitchin’ poster ads that National Lampoon used to carry. My Mom always commented on her dirty feet. Called Cattle Baron for some reason.

Yummy Nums!!!!


I just wanted to mention today that I made some potato salad and, although I was out of mustard, it turned out pretty yummy you fucking TURD-BRAINED motherfucking, cock-sucking, STUPID ASSHOLE EATING, BUTT-BREATH whigger-shitters. You fucking SHIT-GERM-in-your-cocks, ATE-UP-WITH-THE-DUMB-ASS, shiny-bolt plumb-bob shyte-huffers can all suck my fucking DICK with supremo NASAL GLANCE hip-shot MASTURBATOR-KIT on a fucking DAYGLO cooter-wharf, you asshole, dick-shitters. YOU ALL FUCKING SHIT DICKS OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE’S PUSSIES, you wimp-fucked shit-conniving, TURD-KNOCKERS!!! I’ll KILL ALL OF YOU stupid, dumb-ass, FUCKSHITBUTTCUMs. You’re ALL nothing but test-tubes full of virulent, amoeba-felching PINK DISEASE-CARRYING spoor-phagocytic fucking NOCTURNAL PARASITE FUCK-SHITS who wouldn’t have the fucking BRAINS to shove shit into their DICKS on a fucking BET, you GODDAM worm-dicked Lice-Fuckers. You are the LOWEST LIFE FORMS on this fucked up PLANET you SMELLY, cast-off WHORE BUTTS! You are the most completely FUCKED UP and COVERED IN SHIT BUNCH OF WHINY SISSIES and PANSY-ASSED butt ‘n nut huggers I’ve ever had the SEVERE DISPLEASURE to encounter in my ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE, you baby-shit eating, dead wino diarrhea-drinking, Felch-Worm-Camba-Cunted, GODDAM ASSHOLE FUCK, molten fart-garbage-in-a-grease-trap fucking, SUCK-YOUR-MOTHER’S-COCK, fucking stupid fucking ASS-FUCKERS!!!! You ignorant lap-fuck-vomit cooter juice spazzes are, without a fucking DOUBT, the MULE-DICKIN’-est, FART-TONGUE snot-fucking, grunt-spaz-butt-blowing, HIJOS de FUCKING PUTAS THAT HAVE EVER EXISTED SINCE TIME BEGAN. When Wotan breathed life into your putrid excuse for an earthly pale, he fucking PUKED SHIT for TEN MILLION TACHY-EONS! He was so fucking DISGUSTED with your VERY PRESENCE that he had to create GIGA-TONS of BUTT-FUCKED SHIT in order to have something to SHOVE INTO YOUR WEEZLE-SIZED PECKERS, you low-life, WHOREBUG, shit-eating, motherfucking, cocksucking BOBBIES. FUCK YOU, EACH AND EVERY ONE. I’ll give you the recipe if you’d like it.

Oh My Fucking God Is This Guy STUPID!!!!


OK, so there’s this shitty metalcore band called Attack! Attack!, right? I mean they’re REALLY shitty. And they had this bass player named John Holgado, right? And Mr. Holgado quits the band because he might be a homo and couldn’t train a puppy in three days and because his parents were either shitty to him or they weren’t, right? WHAT THE FUCK? This guy is BEYOND fucking STUPID! He’s barely on intelligence quotient par with a slug’s alimentary canal. Does a slug even have an alimentary canal? Well, don’t ask John because HE’S A FUCKING MORON! Don’t believe me? Check THIS out!

Ahoy There!

There was these pirates that stumbled over on this treasure map on this island that they found after they had drunk all the rum and had a orgy and butt-fucked each other for almost all day long. Then after the orgy where they all buttfucked each other until their rectums were ragged and bloody and encrusted with shit blisters they found the map but it wasn’t really a treasure map it was a map put there by this giant alien who’s twenty ton dick dripped acid at the rate of 56 gallons per hour and it led straight to a trap to catch humans so it could eat them except that the pirates didn’t know that. Then the pirates followed the map to across the ocean and found the island that the map said there would be treasure on. So the pirates were so happy that they were going to find treasure that they drank up another of the sixty thousand hundred kegs of rum that they had got from this rum ship that was going to Cuba and then they had a orgy again but only this time just some of the pirates butt-fucked each other and not all of them but the captain did. And also on the rum ship there was these twenty real pretty young ladies who had on these real tight dresses that showed their tits and stuff and they all screamed when the pirates got on their ship but didn’t know that the pirates only liked to buttfuck with themselves and the girls got real disgusted and then about cracked up when the pirates didn’t want to fuck with them but just snuck down in the hold while they were robbing the rum off the ship and sneaked around and buttfucked each other but not the girls. Then they went on the island but the alien’s trap got most of them but then the trap malfunctioned and turned into a time machine that went in the future to New York City where there was this live sex show on Times Square. So the pirates that didn’t get killed by the alien’s machine found themselves in the street on 42nd street and they saw a movie that had a girl that was fucking a dog and they went in there. Then they traded some pirate money to a young boy so he would give them all a blow job but it was a undercover police woman who was disguised as a man who arrested them and took them to Riker’s Island. Then a guy who always wanted a pirate to butt-fuck him found out about them and bailed them out but he was a guy who didn’t like dirty people and when he found out that the pirates didn’t take a bath he didn’t want them to butt-fuck him any more. So they had to go back to jail but the batteries on the time machine had wore out so they were took out of the New York City time but didn’t get back to all the way to their own time but got stuck in the time of Thomas Edison. So Thomas Edison and Benjamin Franklin were homos and they were butt-fucking when the pirates landed right in the middle of their bed. It killed Benjamin Franklin but Thomas Edison still was alive and had invented the electricity already a few years ago so he rigged up a device that would open the time field again so the pirates could go back. But suddenly King Kong came over the hill but not really the real King Kong but a giant robot that a guy from the future had made that had already eaten Shirley Temple and Ruth Buzzie and was going to eat John Agar but that zombie from a couple of the other stories I wrote came in his nuclear helicopter and killed him. So the pirates then went on a vacation and found that they had accidently brought eighty hundred thousand tons of heroin with them back from New York City when they were there. So they all took all the heroin and felt real good like they were going to buttfuck each other again but then they ODed and died and went to Hell where they all got butt-fucked by Satan in the ass.

The End