Hey kids! Want to stir up some shit? Want to turn people off to Jesus? Want to freak out your friends and family? Quick! Order a shitload of Chick Comics (aka Chick tracts), start disseminating them, and watch the fallout. You’ll be getting a psychiatric evaluation before you know it; if not kicked out of the house. For those in the know, Jack Chick comics are the ultimate in frantic, shock-tactic, truly fucked up evangelism for retards. You’ve all seen ’em if you’ve been paying attention. Perhaps one was left in a library book you checked out. Maybe one was stuck beneath your windshield. They’re immediately recognizable: Bad art; lots of pictures of demons; and rants against Judaism, Catholicism, Islam, homosexuality, evolution, rock music, drugs, vegetarianism, yoga, television, miniskirts, long hair (on dudes), punks, telling dirty jokes … hell, just about everything except Jack Chick’s rabid version of Christian fundamentalism.
Drawn (in a fashion) in black and white line art, the protagonists in Chick tracts are of two types: Somebody who is going to hell and somebody who is attempting to keep that person (ALWAYS unsuccessfully) from going to hell. The former is always a disreputable reprobate who’s into drugs, rock ‘n roll, prostitution, Satan worship, Ouija boards, or any number of “anti-Christian” activities. He or she is usually drawn with dark circles under the eyes. The latter is always portrayed as squeaky clean, be-suited, always with a bible in hand. There are usually demons hanging about, if not old split-toe himself. Hell is gleefully depicted, replete with fire ‘n brimstone, people being poked by demons wielding pitchforks, and lots of crudely drawn wailing and gnashing of teeth.
These tracts have fucked up a lot of people … especially kids … who, impressionable as they may be, take Chick’s message to heart and believe that everybody who’s NOT passing out Chick tracts is going to burn forever while being ass-raped by barbed-dicked demons, with Satanic laughter pealing eternally through the sulfurous mists. Check ’em out! They’re fucking HILARIOUS!!!!
… will explain a few things, chappy.
And believe me … a lot of ’em can’t!
There was this one guy that worked the night shift at this Superball factory in Enid, Oklahoma who could pull the ureter out of his dick and snap it loud enough that the reverberations would cause the antenna towers of the local radio station to bend over at a forty degree angle. But one night this girl he knew took a pair of scissors that had been basking in the mutagenic radiation of a discount Bangladeshi cyclotronic bamph-chamber for two weeks and when he whipped it out, she cut his dick off before he could do the trick. But it wasn’t really a guy at all, it was this cooperative colony of intelligent rectum cells that had evolved into an intelligence far greater than the cumulative expertise of thousands of generations of normal humans. So they (in the guise of that guy) transformed themselves into a giant toad cock that was covered in festering, linguini-shaped pustules and rammed itself up the girl’s asshole before she could run out the door. The dick-guy was so huge that the girl’s rectum tore into about eighty thousand hundred pieces but some of the pieces bound with the guys dick garbage on a molecular level and created giant mutant pussy animals that had fifty hundred poisonous fangs on each of its twelve hundred dozen prehensile dicks. Also the dicks had impenetrable armour on them that was the colour of gecko vomit after the gecko had just ate two or three cans of Wolf Brand chili with no beans. So the giant pussy creatures that had all those dicks battled the guy/dick creature in a giant war and both of them got so tired out that they agreed to call a truce and decided to go to Wendy’s for a baked potato with no chives or sour cream. But when they got there they found out that they were out of baked potatoes so they got back in a giant war except they started killing all the people in the Wendy’s by pulling their dicks and balls off and before they bleed to death, they sewed the dicks and balls up in their mouths real tight so they suffocated while they were bleeding to death. But the army had this new giant nuclear machine cannon Gatling submarine bomb that they dropped on the creatures but it just turned them into forty hundred more new ones that took over the earth and grabbed the president of Nairobi and tied him to a pole and each took turns buttfucking him on television so that everybody would be scared of them and not try to resist them. But this one club called the Hog Masturbators Club whose members all liked to jack off while jacking off a pig and drinking the pig cum in front of the local constabulary who they kidnapped decided to try to resist and form a movement against the creatures. So they put a ad in the newspaper asking for volunteers but the creatures read it and captured the whole club and spent a entire afternoon slowly skinning them alive, ass first and then their dicks and balls and cunts because there was two girls in the club but they didn’t like to jack off a pig but they thought it was a good club anyway. But one of the girls escaped and found a secret giant machine from Atlantis that could blow the creatures up. Then she pushed the button on it and all the creatures blew up except ten of them but that was enough to capture the girl and fuck her for about a year with these giant dicks that were made out of red hot cheese graters that vibrated and stuck out with giant metal spikes. Then the girl died and the ten creatures all got VD off of her and they died too. Then these other aliens came to earth but nobody was there left alive and they went back to their own planet and never came back.
Once upon a time was this gigantic rectum that wasn’t attached to any human body or animal body but was just a giant rectum all by itself. One day, as the rectum (whose name was Ralph) was levitating itself along the Path of Blistering Nodules, it came upon another gigantic unattached rectum named Belinda, only this one was bleeding severely from hundreds of tiny ruptures along the surface of its skin. “Oh my,” said Ralph, “Has some gigantic dick buttfucked you and is that how come you’re bleeding all out of those anal fissures and stuff?” But by the time Ralph had finished this line of questioning, Belinda had already bled to death. Now Ralph was faced with a quandry that had never been fully addressed in his Sunday School lessons. Did he turn necro and start to buttfuck the giant, bloody, dead rectum in a frenzy of pornographic lust fulfillment, or did he enter into a monastic state and begin twelve years of regemented prayer and scholarly meditation on the meaning of life? Ralph thought and thought. On the one hand, it sure would feel good to buttfuck that dead rectum. On the other hand, Ralph didn’t even have a fucking dick because all he was was a gigantic assemblage of sphincter material. Suddenly, the Good Fart Fairy showed up wearing a beige tutu, sequined high heels and too much green eye make-up. “Hello Ralph, I am your good fart fairy,” said the Good Fart Fairy. “Gosh,” said Ralph, “I wish for …” But the Good Fart Fairy held up three fingers, which were all covered in shit. “Not so fast, Ralph. First you must …” But just then it started raining poisonous shit down on everybody and killed Ralph and the Good Fart Fairy instantly but didn’t kill this other creature who was shaped like twelve giant dicks all joined together at the heads so it was real frustrated that it couldn’t fuck anything because it wouldn’t be able to get in there. Just then a magic mirror came there and the twelve-dick creature looked at it for but an instant and was magically transformed into Dan Blocker, who was dead for so long he looked just like a mostly rotted zombie who crawled out of the grave and started to buttfuck the dead rectums and the Good Fart Fairy all at the same time because nobody knew it but he always had three dicks. But Hitler had a Poloroid Land Camera and was hiding behind a beautiful bush and took a picture of Dan Blocker buttfucking a dead, bleeding rectum and threatened to turn it over to the newspapers if Dan Blocker didn’t give him one of his dicks. But Dan Blocker decided to just keep all his dicks and didn’t care if Hitler did that and told Hitler to fuck off. So Hitler called the Insect Jesus to fly the poloroid to the New York Times but he dropped it in the La Brea Tar Pits and was magic and turned the mastodons and giant sabre tooth tigers into real live vampire go-go girls whose patent leather boots were made out of the skin of white slave girls that were sold to these perverted Middle Eastern land barons who were buttfucking in this jet airplane that malfunctioned and crashed into an orphanage and killed the pilot and everyone in it and also all the orphans except one who was a Mexican and who became dictator of the whole world and legalized it to buttfuck dead, bleeding rectums on national television.