The Picnic In July

“Fuck this shit,” stated Jones as he slowly withdrew the 80-foot length of rusty barbed wire from the throat wound of his recently disemboweled next-door neighbor. Jones had spent the past month methodically disemboweling each and every denizen of his middle-class neighborhood, beginning with those on the outskirts and slowly working his way toward the community’s center. He was aided in this venture by the fact that the victims were all dead, having unwittingly consumed a dizzying variety of lethal compounds dumped into the community water supply by Jones, who was a night watchman at the local waste treatment plant. As Jones struggled to pull the barbed wire from the corpse’s neck he suddenly developed an overwhelming desire to fuck the beckoning throat wound. Unwilling or unable to forestall this desire, Jones immediately shed himself of pants and underwear alike and inserted his diseased member into the jagged wound, impaling his throbbing choad on several of the spiked protuberances emanating from the twisted shaft of the barbed wire. Jones’ excitement was rapidly diminishing in direct correlation to the pain he was beginning to experience as a result of having his penis pierced by rusty metal. The more Jones struggled, the more his frantic gesticulations resulted in ever-widening tears in the skin of his by now rather flaccid member. Then all of a sudden he got real hard again by magic and started fucking the corpse’s throat again real hard. Then just as he was getting ready to cum, he reached in and pulled a handful of turds out of the corpse’s guts. Then he dragged the corpse over to the other house by his and found a bunch more dead bodies. Then this secret radiation in this laboratory made Jones grow fifty hundred thousand mutant dicks out of his own throat and he cut most of them off but they all came to life and started buttfucking everybody who wasn’t living in the town that was all dead! Then Jones became the creator of all matter and time due to a mistake in the fabric of the universe, and he started to buttfuck his own throat after he used solid-platinum barbed wire to gash a big hole in it. Then he started cumming again, but it wasn’t cum this time, it was a mixture of arsenic, blood, cum, shit, piss, vaginal juice, acid, enema-bag stuff, blister juice, rabies foam, sewer sludge, solid fart juice, cum that had been felched out of a dead Rabbi’s butthole, shit that was out of one asshole and then forcibly rammed into another asshole and then shit back out again. Then he ate all that stuff except the arsenic which he took to the next town’s water supply where he did it all over again, forever, for all eternity to all the people who ever were born and who ever lived on earth and all the alternative earths in every dimension in the multiverse.

Ahoy There!

There was these pirates that stumbled over on this treasure map on this island that they found after they had drunk all the rum and had a orgy and butt-fucked each other for almost all day long. Then after the orgy where they all buttfucked each other until their rectums were ragged and bloody and encrusted with shit blisters they found the map but it wasn’t really a treasure map it was a map put there by this giant alien who’s twenty ton dick dripped acid at the rate of 56 gallons per hour and it led straight to a trap to catch humans so it could eat them except that the pirates didn’t know that. Then the pirates followed the map to across the ocean and found the island that the map said there would be treasure on. So the pirates were so happy that they were going to find treasure that they drank up another of the sixty thousand hundred kegs of rum that they had got from this rum ship that was going to Cuba and then they had a orgy again but only this time just some of the pirates butt-fucked each other and not all of them but the captain did. And also on the rum ship there was these twenty real pretty young ladies who had on these real tight dresses that showed their tits and stuff and they all screamed when the pirates got on their ship but didn’t know that the pirates only liked to buttfuck with themselves and the girls got real disgusted and then about cracked up when the pirates didn’t want to fuck with them but just snuck down in the hold while they were robbing the rum off the ship and sneaked around and buttfucked each other but not the girls. Then they went on the island but the alien’s trap got most of them but then the trap malfunctioned and turned into a time machine that went in the future to New York City where there was this live sex show on Times Square. So the pirates that didn’t get killed by the alien’s machine found themselves in the street on 42nd street and they saw a movie that had a girl that was fucking a dog and they went in there. Then they traded some pirate money to a young boy so he would give them all a blow job but it was a undercover police woman who was disguised as a man who arrested them and took them to Riker’s Island. Then a guy who always wanted a pirate to butt-fuck him found out about them and bailed them out but he was a guy who didn’t like dirty people and when he found out that the pirates didn’t take a bath he didn’t want them to butt-fuck him any more. So they had to go back to jail but the batteries on the time machine had wore out so they were took out of the New York City time but didn’t get back to all the way to their own time but got stuck in the time of Thomas Edison. So Thomas Edison and Benjamin Franklin were homos and they were butt-fucking when the pirates landed right in the middle of their bed. It killed Benjamin Franklin but Thomas Edison still was alive and had invented the electricity already a few years ago so he rigged up a device that would open the time field again so the pirates could go back. But suddenly King Kong came over the hill but not really the real King Kong but a giant robot that a guy from the future had made that had already eaten Shirley Temple and Ruth Buzzie and was going to eat John Agar but that zombie from a couple of the other stories I wrote came in his nuclear helicopter and killed him. So the pirates then went on a vacation and found that they had accidently brought eighty hundred thousand tons of heroin with them back from New York City when they were there. So they all took all the heroin and felt real good like they were going to buttfuck each other again but then they ODed and died and went to Hell where they all got butt-fucked by Satan in the ass.

The End

Forensic Haiku

Once upon a time there was this one guy that liked Keanu Reeves movies and captured everybody in his neighborhood and tied them up and took them down to his secret laboratory that was in his basement. After they were all down there he started in on these experiments where he amputated all the guy’s dicks and swapped them around with surgery so that none of the guys had their own dicks any more. But this one guy who only had a tiny dick got a big one so he wasn’t too mad except that the guy didn’t use anesthesia so it hurt pretty bad. But the rest of the guys were pissed but they were all tied up and couldn’t do anything. But one guy who got his dick replaced started in cussing the other guy out and so he got pissed off and dumped cyanide pellets on the floor and shut the door and they all died. But then the guy realized he couldn’t go back in the lab because of poison gas and had to go out and rent another house with a basement. But the real estate agent told him there weren’t any houses in the whole town with basements but the guy thought he was lying and so he dragged him back to his own old house and put on a gas mask and opened the door real quick and tossed the real estate agent in the lab before too much of the cyanide gas could get out. But all the dead people in the lab had turned into zombies and started in buttfucking the real estate agent who went immedately insane because of the horror of it. And one of the zombies who had been a locksmith in real life picked the lock and got out and they all ransacked the guy’s house and found his new great dane puppies who they killed and buttfucked. Then they all ran out of the guy’s house looking for him but they ran into a Shriners parade first and they all jumped on the Shriners who were riding them little cars and also Harleys. One of the Shriners was too drunk to realize what was happening until two zombies were already buttfucking him and eating each other’s shit, but the other ones were all sober and half of them died of heart attacks from fright and the zombies threw their own shit all on them and they all came back from the dead as zombies too. But just then a school bus had its brakes go out all of the sudden and it crashed into the place where all the zombies were buttfucking all the dead and dying Shriners and throwing shit all on them. But there was this one kid on the bus who did a science project about reanimating small mammal corpses and he had a rat that was dead but he brought it back to life but it had rabies. So the rat got out of the kid’s cage just as the school bus started to crash into the zombie/Shriner buttfucking/shitting orgy and it ran up and bit one of the Shriners in the dick and got rabies saliva all in his dick and gave the Shriner rabies. But the Shriner didn’t want to have seventeen shots in his stomach so he decided to go ahead and get rabies and become a homo and buttfuck some of the other Shriners before they died at the hands of the zombies. But soon the zombies got tired of buttfucking the Shriners and made a deal with them that they could all shit on the dead kids that were in the school bus and take turns jacking each other off while they did it. But then the guy who started it all came to where all this was happening and talked the zombies and Shriners that weren’t dead yet into buttfucking him and one of them accidentally got the rat that had rabies on the end of his dick and the rat went into the guy’s asshole and bit him inside there and he got rabies and started in killing the Shriners. But the zombies still wanted some live Shriners to buttfuck and shit on so they went ahead and killed the guy. But one of the zombies only liked to buttfuck dead people with rabies so he paid the other zombies and Shriners to let him have the dead guy’s corpse but the dead guy came back to life as a zombie too and they became best friends and homos and got married but nobody would let them in a hotel or resort because of skin rotting off and rabies foam all in their mouths and shit too.

The End

Somber Dries the Hoover Year

Although Jones’ favorite dish was wino vomit garnished with cockroach paste and stuffed into petrified mammoth testicles, he decided that tonight he would eat nine pounds of impacted fecal matter extracted from the heaving bowels of an overweight, dying hydrocephalic Las Vegas poker dealer. Lying on his semi-inflated life raft, floating in his swimming pool filled with blood, cum, piss and real real real runny shit that had a lot of partially digested corn and green beans in it, Jones pondered his next move. He decided that, rather than buttfuck a gelatinous mound of whale sperm mixed with camel snot, he would simply fistfuck a dead sea cow and lick the resultant vaginal spum off his well-lubricated arm. As he contemplated this highly exciting prospect and got a hard-on at the same time, his portable phone rang suddenly. He answered it and it was his next door neighbor, who was a Southern Baptist preacher named Smyth. “Are you going to church with me today, my friend,” said Smyth, hopefully. “Fuck your goddam asshole ragged with a tar-soaked telephone pole that has been liberally studded with bent, rusy nails you shit-begrimed living example of a chancre fucking retard,” answered Jones. Before Smyth had a chance to react, Jones had activated the machinery beneath his house that was designed to dig under Smyth’s house and release a flood of his swimming pool contents into the distraught preacher’s living room. But suddenly, as the stream of aromatic shit, saliva, snot, buttfucked piss and sea cow vaginal spum squirted all over the poor Baptist preacher, the preacher all of the sudden developed a craving to sit in the middle of the stream and jack off while imagining being shit upon by the entire boy’s choir of his parish. As his excitement mounted, who should happen upon the masturbating preacher but the entire boy’s choir, except they had all been killed in a bus crash that morning and it was right by this radiation experiment place and the radiation got out and mixed with their genes and stuff and made them all into living dead zombies that had a craving for Baptist preacher rectum. Smyth screamed as the zombies slowly wiped the delicious layer of excrement off his head and turned him over so they could buttfuck him with an industrial sized ground auger. As the slowly rotating drill bit was forcibly inserted into the preachers distended asshole, the pain was such that he was going to pass out but they injected eighty hundred grams of crystal methedrine into his testicles so he couldn’t pass out and then they started to skin him alive and eat his flesh while his wife was tied up on the other side of the room and had her eyelids surgically removed and her head in a vice so she couldn’t turn away and had to watch as her husband was slowly skinned alive while being buttfucked by a drill wielded by a bunch of zombie kids. But then she got real turned on and suddenly wished Jones would come over and fuck her in her not yet healed appendectomy slit and amazingly he actually came over right then and did it. And then Channel 7 showed up and put it all on the six o-clock news and almost everybody in the whole town jacked off when they saw it except for this one kid who kind of puked when he saw it and then everybody who was tired of jacking off to the preacher fucking his wife in the flank slit started in jacking off to the kid’s vomit.

The End

The Flower and the Kitty

Once upon a time this one guy decided to force everyone in the world to buttfuck each other for all eternity. So he studied a variety of demonic tomes for several years until he had perfected the correct series of spells and stuff and so then he took everybody that was a girl, or a post-operative transsexual, or was a guy that had their dick cut off through an industrial accident, or was a guy who got born without a dick, or any other person who, for whatever reason, didn’t have a dick and he got them all in this fake hospital by mailing them these bogus sweepstakes mailings that told them they had a free prize there. Then, when they were all there, he put them under using anesthesia and gas and stuff and operated on them all and surgically grafted dicks on every one of them. So after he was done doing that, everybody in the world had a dick, even some of the dead people who were girls or other people who didn’t have a dick but now they did and were zombies. So then the guy got all the men in the world, and all the boys, who already had dicks and he put them in a huge line with all the newly be-dicked people and had them stand front to back in a line that stretched around the world eighteen times and used giant bridges to go over the oceans. Then, when everybody was in line, he made them all pull down their pants and put their dicks in the assholes of the person in front of them. Some of the people who were already homos didn’t mind too much and some of the girls who now had dicks thought it was interesting for about the first ninety hours or so, but after a couple of months of non-stop buttfucking, everybody began to get tired of it and wanted to go watch TV or go get a hamburger or build a model of the U.S.S. Constitution or learn to play the cello or establish a new source of funding for the study of more durable concrete blocks or anything besides just standing in a giant line and buttfucking each other. So they all started complaining but the guy didn’t want to let them stop buttfucking each other but came up with an idea to not make it so monotonous. What he did was allow everybody to all of the sudden turn around real fast all at the same time and start buttfucking the person who just before had been buttfucking them. The novelty of this ploy lasted only about a couple of minutes though and then everybody got tired of buttfucking that new person. After the first ten years about half of the people had gone totally insane and the rest weren’t too far behind them. Also, after that much buttfucking with no suitable lubrication everybody’s dicks were sore and bleeding and some of them were already almost worn down to the nub. Many people were in so much pain that they were almost ready to faint but the guy wouldn’t allow them to stop buttfucking each other even for a tenth of a second. Of course, there were many problems with this set-up, not only for the people who were doing the buttfucking, but for the guy too, such as how to feed them all. He did this by intraveinous feeding. Also, when the people had to take a shit, it all went into the dick of the person who was buttfucking them because the guy wouldn’t let them stop to take a shit and sometimes this caused infections. But the guy used antibiotics to cure them. After several centuries all the people were totally insane, so the guy learned psychiatry and cured them all so that they could go back to just merely physically hurting all the time and after a few more centuries they went insane again and the guy cured them again and this went on century after century for all eternity just like the guy had planned on.

The End

The Beatles Meet Mothra

Once upon a time was this very cute little girl that had beautiful red hair and freckles and loved flowers and cute bunnies and stuff but she wasn’t really a girl at all but was a giant heroin addict faggot Mexican dog rapist pornographic filmmaker that lived in Canada with eighteen dead nurse corpses that he had killed and skinned alive and wore the skin of like Ed Gein except he wasn’t really a man who lived in Canada but was actually this huge brown puddle of intelligent wino vomit that had come to life through radiation and decided to attack the town where nobody lived anymore which totally pissed the vomit-creature off so he called in reinforcements in the form of zombie legions created from the effluvia residing in all the septic tanks in the world that just all happened to be totally full at the time and the magic that the creature did brought all the shit and piss and vomit and used tampons and flushed hamsters and goldfish and diarreah and blood from a pussy and from a bunch of other pussies and the vomit and other stuff from a toilet and these creatures attacked the first creature who turned into this insane bus driver by magic but didn’t really want to but he accidently buttfucked all the passengers on the bus while it was raining testicles that had been cut off from every man who lived in Asia and Africa but not any of the other places because Hitler and Genghis Khan teamed up with a time machine and got these mad scientists to invent the machine that would do it but it didn’t actually get every man on both those continents because two of them escaped but they both had this disease that you get of living in the jungle for too long and drinking the disease water from the river and their dicks and balls grew up large because of elephantiasis and when one of the creatures saw their giant balls and dicks it started a cult that would worship them and all the other creatures and the aliens who were here in secret started jacking each other off in worship of the two guys from Africa who were dead by that time because the infection had reached their brain before they could get a shot from the doctor who had the right medicine but the medicine was in the closet when the air conditioning went out and it got too hot and changed into another chemical form that got injected by these two guys who shot up anything they could get their hands on and had broke into the place where the drugs were stored except just when they injected it into their eyeballs a giant secret government UFO crash-landed on the house and killed them both along with everybody on earth because of the giant cobalt bomb on the UFO that nobody was supposed to know about but the congressman from the eighteenth disctrict of Puerto Rico had really found out about it and committed suicide because of it and came back as a real zombie and had a dick twelve feet long and put it in his own butt and buttfucked himself till the earth actually got destroyed and then God and Satan found him and cut his dick off and put it in a sandwich and ate it all up.

The End

Free Trump Spud Mammy

There was this one guy this one time who could only get off sexually by breaking into people’s houses and taking the person he found there and cutting off their dick and shitting on it and putting it in a blender and turning it on full blast and pissing in it too and then after it was all blended up he wouldn’t drink it all at once but would savour the flavour for about ten hundred hours and then he would build this cubby hole in the cut off dick guy’s bedroom and hide there until the police came and then he would turn into a giant helicopter-shaped rummy bastard mammoth turd that glowed in the dark and threw sparks out that caught the grass on the side of the road on fire. But the only firemen around were the two dead homos that were buttfucking in the back of the truck when that other guy killed them and they were turned into magical zombie paradox hetero-fags. But the spell that kept their dead, rotting corpses animated also made them not want to buttfuck each other in the firetruck anymore and they were depressed and wanted to find out a different spell that would let them still buttfuck each other there. So one of the dead non-homo firemen called a 1-900 number that somebody said would let them fry grease upside down while they were in orbit, so he called but it was really just two fat lesbian junkies sitting under a rancid pillow playing squat drop with a deck of cards that was missing all the cards except one, and that one card was so covered in the shit they’d dragged out of the intestines of dead Moonies that they couldn’t even tell what it was any more, so they didn’t even know who was winning the card game. But then the alarm went off and it didn’t wake anybody up because they were all dead too. Fortunately, though, there was this other guy who decided to quit fucking the bucket of cum dumps that God had given him last Saturday and he also decided that he needed a new hobby to keep his mind off the ram scrotum that this one girl had sewed on his lips and had also sewed his lips to his knees so he couldn’t even give himself a blowjob any more even though he was real limber from being in the health club and doing all the stretching exercises and only drinking carrot juice. But his room mate was getting married to one of the dead homo zombie firemen that night and he didn’t think it would be a good idea for him to go to
the church with his dick not in his mouth and so he tried to kill himself by sticking his head out the window into the line of fire from the DEA guys who were trying to bust up this ring of seven or eight guys who were into sticking PCP up old ladies’ assholes and then buttfucking them after they OD’d and that’s how they got off on the PCP by it going up their urethras while they were buttfucking the old ladies. But the DEA guys ran out of bullets and so they all went home except one of them who got a hamburger that this girl made but right after she put the mustard on it she went out the back door of the hamburger place and vomited on her boyfriend’s dick after he passed out from huffing gasoline out of the manager’s car who was off in Nairobi running for president.

The End

Motorola Squab Fibber

This one guy that was a barbarian and had long hair and a giant sword and five battle axes and twenty hundred bows and arrows and giant muscles and was a king of this other land was throwing this other guy that was a magical wizard that was bald headed and had a dick tattooed on his left ear over a cliff, but the wizard made a spell that turned the barbarian’s hands and arms into dried up turds that broke off and he dropped the wizard. Then this giant monster that was magic and allied with demons came and ate the barbarian except for his hands and arms that were made of shit because it didn’t like it. Then the arms and hands that were shit got on the ground and it started raining and the shit got all runny and smelly. Then the shit flowed downstream into a little stream where it joined other shit and turds and piss and stuff from the town that was on that stream. But the town built a dam that morning and it backed all the shit up into the town and drowned all the young girls and babies and old people in piles of runny shit. And this one guy got buried in the shit tonnage and never emerged alive from it. And this whole family struggled to get out of the house as the shitstream gushed in through the windows and down the flue and they all remained unsubmerged for several hours until the lucious, creamy shit reached the ceiling and they all got exhausted and drowned in the oceans of rancid, dick-riddled shit. Then this other universe that was completely filled with shit up to the veriest brim protruded into our universe through a rift in the fabric of time and space and started pumping volumes of shit undreamed of by man into our universe and killing everybody in its path by drowning them in shit. Suddenly a deadly virus that made you shit before you died infected everybody except this one girl whose name was Sally the Barbarian Queen. Sally lived but had a magic stone that turned all the dead people into magic zombies that were all covered in shit and the whole ocean was nothing but real, real, REAL runny shit that had corn in it and peanuts in it too. But the zombie sailors all jumped overboard and ate some of the shit but not enough to make any difference because there was too much of it. Then even more came through and this cleric guy took a shit and added it to the rest of it. Then this horribly mangled mutant half horse, half monkey, half gorilla and half human creature landed on the one place where there was no shit. But it took a REALLY HUGE shit on the spot, so then every place on earth was covered in gooey, splatted out shit that smelled awful even when it was adulterated by some cut off dicks.

The End

The Bailiff and the Butcher

There was a terrible car wreck on the freeway that had over a hundred cars in it that killed everybody except for four people who were all horribly mangled and bleeding and the skin coming off and third degree burned and gravel stuck all in their skin and couldn’t hardly breath. So this one guy who weighed in excess of 450 pounds and was in a circus sideshow was one of the people who weren’t dead yet. So the fat guy crawls over to this other guy who isn’t really a homo but sort of looks like one and everybody in school always beat him up. But the fat guy was really a homo and he tried to buttfuck the other guy but he died because of his serious injuries because of the car wreck. But the guy who looked real faggy decided to go ahead and become a homo since he already looked like one anyway and let somebody buttfuck him except he was bleeding to death and only had minutes to live. So this girl who was about three cars over was laying underneath this whole family who was burned to a crisp and thrown from their car and the girl crawled out from underneath the bodies and over to the guy who just became a homo because she saw him. So he asked if the girl would pretend to be a guy and stick a piece of broken off steering wheel up his asshole to pretend like it was a dick so he could feel like a real homo before he finally bled to death. But the girl had a heart attack just when she was reaching the steering wheel broke off part to the recently converted homo’s asshole and he died too right after that because of how much blood he lost and a cut artery. Then the only other person left alive, who was on his way home from work when the accident happened, was this guy who had just murdered an entire orphanage full of retarded Mexican children except one that he kept to buttfuck but died in the wreck. So the guy, whose name was Harold, tried to crawl away from his burning car because of explosions. He saw the gas leaking from the ruptured gas tank and fruitlessly attempted to wrench his smashed and bleeding leg from beneath the steel and chrome hulk. But it was hard to do since his dick was still encased in the butt of the dead retarded Mexican orphan. But the orphan was really Odin, who liked to time travel and assume the guise of earthlings to study them and wasn’t really hurt in the wreck because he was a God. So he pulled Harold’s dick out of his butt and stood up and strangled Harold and walked over to the dead girl who was still holding the broken off part of the steering wheel and brought her back to life but only as a homo and brought the other guy who just became a homo back to life and whisked them both away to a tropical paradise but Satan intercepted them and cut their dicks off so no buttfucking. Then the guy who used to be a girl committed suicide and so did the guy who was a new homo. Then Odin forced Wagner to write a opera about it but Wagner knew Hitler was going to be in power so he left the fag parts out and got famous anyway.
The End

Sacking the Trilbys

This one time there was this guy who was so fucking stupid he got too close to the edge when he was walking across the Golden Gate bridge and he fell off and drowned because he couldn’t swim and the water was so cold and the tide sucked him back out into the ocean where they couldn’t find him. So he floated around for about three weeks and his body was totally bloated and stank like fourteen motherfuckers and then an alien from the G-463 Nebula region of outer space who was chasing a couple of U.S. Air Force fighter planes for practice saw the floating corpse and levitated it into his space ship for experiments. After the alien extraced some of the DNA from the corpse, he discovered that he could create a disease that would wipe out all of the humans on earth and he made some and sprayed it on the earth and everybody died. But the professor who had invented that time machine who was in one of my other stories got there with the retarded stowaway who was now his partner but not really because he was too fucking stupid to be a scientist but the professor liked for the retard to tie him up and shit because Mr. Vikki was already dead. So the time machine got to where when the alien had killed everybody but just right after that. So there were all the dead people in the world and they had just been dead long enough that they weren’t completely rotten yet so the professor thought him and the retard would have a little fun. So they used their very last rubbers to have anal sex with all the dead humans they could find and they even did it with some large hooved animals at this zoo they found, but just when the retard was helping the professor to fuck a water buffalo this huge crack appeared in the earth and a giant civilization called the Oobs came out of it and conquered the world. But they didn’t have to work very hard at it because everybody was dead except the professor and the fucking retard who the Oobs made their slaves and made them start a newspaper about how the earth was before all the humans died so they could know about it. So the professor decided to kill the retard and present his cut off genitals to the Oobs for a present so they would let him go but then he realized that he was the only human left so he committed suicide to not be depressed any more. The Oobs about cracked up at how fucking stupid the humans were but then the alien created a antidote to the disease that killed all the humans but forgot that they were dead for about two weeks now and when they came back to life they were all rotting and looked like zombies only they didn’t eat the flesh of the living because there wasn’t any real living people left. So they attacked the Oobs and killed them all and then the whole world was full of zombies.

The End