I’m very sad today. Why am I sad, you may ask? It’s because of an email I received this morning regarding my blog. This person berated me, raked me over the coals, and said that my blog was an attempt at creating humor that would be palatable only to a retarded fourth-grader. If this is true (and it may well be) then I must consider myself an ABJECT FAILURE! When I first envisioned this blog I self-mandated that it would create humor that would be palatable only to a retarded THIRD-grader. I must reach deep into my psyche and mentally lambast the polysynaptic density that prevented my axon terminals from realizing I was creating humor that was a FULL YEAR more mature than was my original intention. For those retarded third-graders to whom many of the concepts contained in this blog are over their heads, I humbly apologize. For everyone else I can say, with all sincerity, YOU CAN KISS MY FESTERING ASSHOLE with lips that are injected daily with fucking EBOLA virus and YAK SPERM you fucking mangy-ass felchers of leprous Bengali rickshaw racers! You hear me you stupid motherfuckers??? EAT SALAMANDER SHIT AND DIE you brainless, idiotic, untalented, sexless, scabby, zero-dicked cocksuckers! Your mothers were all buttfucked by tree toads and your fathers were all ass-raped by rabid wolverines. GO KILL YOURSELVES!!!!!
I just wanted to mention today that I made some potato salad and, although I was out of mustard, it turned out pretty yummy you fucking TURD-BRAINED motherfucking, cock-sucking, STUPID ASSHOLE EATING, BUTT-BREATH whigger-shitters. You fucking SHIT-GERM-in-your-cocks, ATE-UP-WITH-THE-DUMB-ASS, shiny-bolt plumb-bob shyte-huffers can all suck my fucking DICK with supremo NASAL GLANCE hip-shot MASTURBATOR-KIT on a fucking DAYGLO cooter-wharf, you asshole, dick-shitters. YOU ALL FUCKING SHIT DICKS OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE’S PUSSIES, you wimp-fucked shit-conniving, TURD-KNOCKERS!!! I’ll KILL ALL OF YOU stupid, dumb-ass, FUCKSHITBUTTCUMs. You’re ALL nothing but test-tubes full of virulent, amoeba-felching PINK DISEASE-CARRYING spoor-phagocytic fucking NOCTURNAL PARASITE FUCK-SHITS who wouldn’t have the fucking BRAINS to shove shit into their DICKS on a fucking BET, you GODDAM worm-dicked Lice-Fuckers. You are the LOWEST LIFE FORMS on this fucked up PLANET you SMELLY, cast-off WHORE BUTTS! You are the most completely FUCKED UP and COVERED IN SHIT BUNCH OF WHINY SISSIES and PANSY-ASSED butt ‘n nut huggers I’ve ever had the SEVERE DISPLEASURE to encounter in my ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE, you baby-shit eating, dead wino diarrhea-drinking, Felch-Worm-Camba-Cunted, GODDAM ASSHOLE FUCK, molten fart-garbage-in-a-grease-trap fucking, SUCK-YOUR-MOTHER’S-COCK, fucking stupid fucking ASS-FUCKERS!!!! You ignorant lap-fuck-vomit cooter juice spazzes are, without a fucking DOUBT, the MULE-DICKIN’-est, FART-TONGUE snot-fucking, grunt-spaz-butt-blowing, HIJOS de FUCKING PUTAS THAT HAVE EVER EXISTED SINCE TIME BEGAN. When Wotan breathed life into your putrid excuse for an earthly pale, he fucking PUKED SHIT for TEN MILLION TACHY-EONS! He was so fucking DISGUSTED with your VERY PRESENCE that he had to create GIGA-TONS of BUTT-FUCKED SHIT in order to have something to SHOVE INTO YOUR WEEZLE-SIZED PECKERS, you low-life, WHOREBUG, shit-eating, motherfucking, cocksucking BOBBIES. FUCK YOU, EACH AND EVERY ONE. I’ll give you the recipe if you’d like it.
I would like to sincerely and humbly express my most solemn apologies to anyone who may have been offended by my … wait a minute … no I don’t! FUCK YOU, you fucking chicken-shit wankers. You think I care whether or not your repressed fucking twelve-year-old accidentally stumbled into this rancid pool of lap-fuck vomit and decided to give up your impossible dream of him or her becoming a boring ass accountant or lawyer or some conspiracy, pink-boy, normal shit like that, and instead decided to go HOG WILD and FIGURE IT ALL OUT ON HIS/HER OWN? No, I do not! I fucking WANT everybody to whom the world has always been presented in a sanitized, puritanical, unexciting, and STATUS QUO-APPROVED manner to look at this shit and say, “WHOAH! Grammaw and Grampaw and Rev. Normal Face and Mom and Dad have been SHITTING me THE ENTIRE TIME!!!!” There are some things better off NOT left unsaid and I’m going to GODDAMN SAY THEM you ignorant fucking bone-normal SHITHEADS! HAHAHAHAHAHA! I don’t give a fuck! Let me say that again: I DO NOT FUCKING GIVE A FUCK!!!! (Well, I give a fuck about my saxophones and my sailboat and my friends and my cats and shit like that … who doesn’t) What I DON’T give a flying fuck about is what any shit-besmirched, conservative, wallowing-in-normalcy, ChristianMuslimJainHinduWhateverTheFuck thinks about ME and what I PURPORT to SPEW all over a world that is rapidly becoming a boring BORE-FEST wherein every aspect of FUN and DIFFERENT and OUTSIDE and OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING FENCE is slowly being purged in the interest of the bored and the fucking BORING! So … c’mon kids … jump in FEET FIRST! Tell ‘em to go fuck themselves up the nose with rifle-cleaning equipment!!! Flip off the sons-a-bitches and GO BERSERK!!!! YEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Fuck ‘em I say … FUCK ‘EM!!!!!!
I don’t even have a fucking TV and I hate this … this … THING!!! I see her hideous visage pop up on my email page and almost vomit my skeleton out every time. And, as you can see, I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!!!!! This guy REALLY hates the cow-like “human” “female” … JUST LIKE I DO! Following are some choice comments, but here’s the WHOLE THING!
FAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLL! I have seen so many of these Progressive commercials and every time I see a new one its like the knife is getting driven deeper into my chest. Flo. Flo. Flo. How I hate you. This ladies voice is like a screaming banshee from hell brought to Earth just to destroy my ear drums. I can’t take it, I can not take it anymore! I swear I have mini seizures every time I see and hear these commercials. Where the fuck did they find this goofy Olive Oyle looking sack of shit and why the hell did they put her on t.v. to sell god damn insurance??!!!! “Look at the deal we just got him, that’s enough for 1 bullet and 1 gun to kill yourself with Flo!” I hope some uninsured asshole in a van runs you and your big tricked out name tag the fuck over!
Whoever writes their commercials needs to endure some sort of medieval torture. Anything less would be too humane.
Dear god, I hate these commercials even more now that I know this shrill-voiced harpy has a name. Her voice makes me want to impale myself with the remote control.
I’d rather insert three barbed catheters into my dick every single day then watch another insanely annoying progreesive commercial. Also, the roll over minutes obssessed mom and her ratty children can piss off.
I don’t really like the word hate……but I hate that fucking bitch. She thinks she’s so funny and she makes you want to hurt her. I read that they let her use some of her own “humor” in the commercials which makes me even madder cuz there’s nothing worse than someone who tries to be funny and so desperately fails. I just wish she would reads these comments. Whenever those commercials come on I change it to any channel as fast as I can. Sometimes I can’t change it fast enough and I just get pissed. I have NEVER commented on a commercial before, but this one HAS to go.
I realize that my previous post was somewhat harsh and that I may have inadvertently offended some of my readers. But I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK you stupid fucking TURD THROAT ASS FUCKERS who would rather baste 18 tons of SHIT with the rancid fucking PISS of 49,000,000,000 retarded DICK-SHITTERS and then eat it in front of a room-full of dead WHIGGER-SHITTERS than BREATHE AIR, you lame-o, jit-bagged, RAT FELCHING, camba dick juking, lap-fuck-vomit fucking, puke-fuckers! I think each and EVERY one of you PINK BOYS is without a fucking DOUBT IN HELL the most UNINTELLIGENT, UGLY, zit infested, corpulent, SNOT-FUCKING, DEAD NUTRI-SEXUAL SLIDER-TOADED, ass kissing fucking ASSHOLES on this morbidly failing PLANET!!!!!! I’ve firmly decided to GIVE EACH OF YOU a Thai Pepper/Muriatic Acid enema and then stuff about a half a ton of LEECH SPERM up your pecker-ho’ed ASSHOLES and then sell videos of it to your fucked up MOTHERS you fucking SNOT-LICKING FUCK-STUMPS!!!! You IGNORANT dog-shit sluicers wouldn’t know a brain cell if it snuck up behind you and plugged you right in your seriously diseased RECTUM! Every one of you DUMBASSES spends his or her or its lunch hours constructing massive, sky-high mounds of fly-specked POODLE COCKS which you then proceed to BUTTFUCK for the entire rest of the afternoon, which makes ALL OF YOU about as worthless as tits on a boar. You suck WHALE DRECK till the fucking COWS COME HOME and then YOU FUCK THE FUCKING COWS, you STUPID MORONIC lizard cunt lickers!!!! I’d kick each of you in the BALLS for about a year STRAIGHT if you had balls to kick you SHIT-CUNTED fuck-sticks who shit in buckets that are ALREADY made out of shit and then stuff the SHIT-BUCKETS full of shit up your ALREADY shit stuffed NOSTRILS and THEN butt-fuck (AGAIN!) those piles of MAGGOT-ENCRUSTED bat shit that I mentioned in an earlier diatribe. YOU LICK DOGS! (Oh, by the way, did I happen to mention that you’re ALL FUCKED UP? Well you ARE!) You’re all so fucking screwed in the head that you spend ALL NIGHT searching for winos who have recently died, drag the rotting, puffed up corpses home, let them rot a for a couple of more weeks, hire ALL YOUR FUCKED UP NEIGHBORS to piss on those dead fuckers’ HEADS, wait ANOTHER couple of months and then, when the bodies are so fucking stench-endowed and putrid that it would make a fucking HYENA puke, you BUTT FUCK THEM TWENTY TIMES A FUCKING HOUR until your fucking DICKS are puking BLOOD instead of CUM, which you proceed to lap up like SHIT MAGGOTS until you’re so engorged with DEATH FUCK and SHIT CUM that you puke all over yourselves and then buttfuck the fucking PUKE while a GILA MONSTER fucks YOU up the THROAT WOUND you stupid, SHIT-SMEARED FEVER WANKERS!!!!!!!! I think you’d SUCK SHIT OUT OF A MULE if you thought about it for a couple of milliseconds you stupid ASSHOLES. I heard just the other day that you all stick your fingers up each other’s assholes and then SNIFF THEM!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! How do you think that fucking LOOKS, you SHIT SNARFING colla-felchers? I’ll tell you. It looks PRETTY FUCKED UP, that’s how. I hate ALL of you and so does my shit! I’ll tell you what, you DUMB-ASSES . . . I don’t think I’ve EVER fucking encountered ANYTHING fucking LAMER than the unsavory likes of what passes for SubGeniuses in this rancidly fucked up world in my entire fucking LIFE! Do you want me to tell you EXACTLY what I think of each and every one of you fucking ASSHOLES? DO YOU?? OK. Here’s what I think, more or less. I think that EVERY GODDAMN ONE of you renal-blowout CAMBA-FELCHERS sucks the corn-encrusted SHIT out of every fucking bovine-related mammal on EARTH, along with sucking said shit out of the rectums of several species that have either NOT been discovered yet or have been considered extinct for MILLENNIA, you DUMB-ASS fucking ASSHOLE-scouring buttfuckers of each other’s goddamn GRADMA-FACE SANDWICHES. If I had the time, I’d thoroughly enjoy spiking each of your dujis with fucking DRANO and watching you rush to the tune of NON-EMPATHIC stereophonic DEATH THROES while you’re EACH being buttfucked in the MOUTH by a syphilitic whore’s bedroom companion CANINE SQUAD while being impaled on the ELECTRIFIED boners of 45,324,110 DEATH ROW INMATES at the moment of their execution so that the rampant electrons streaming from their slowly mortifying corpses would BURN THE LIVING SHIT out of EACH and EVERY fucking NEURON in what passes for your BRAINS, you dumb fucking piss-injecting komodo dragon humping TURD HILLS! I want to cause you PAIN, you stupid fucking ASSBUTTS! DO YOU HEAR ME??????!!!!! PAAAIIINNNNNN!!!! And you WILL suffer, too . . . simply for BEING a motherfucking DUMBASS PINK. Simply by virtue of POSTING to this newsgroup, you have become (in my eyes) the most WORTHLESS pieces of fucking SHIT DUNG POOP-LOGS that have ever graced this Wotan-forsaken planet. You fucking FART-GARGLING BOBBIES can all FUCK OFF together in one massive heap of PISS/VOMIT stew and fuck each other in the BUTTS while castrating each other with rusty, dull POCKET KNIFE BLADE STUMPS and then forcing each other to slowly roast the eviscerated scrotal material over OPEN FLAMES that originate from the ignited FARTS exuding from each and every one of your, by this time, MIGHTILY SORE ASSHOLES due to the diet of MAGGOT SPERM PUDDING I’d force feed you for EIGHTY-FIVE HOURS in ONE DAY! You fucking fuckers SUCK FUCK-SHIT and teach your own fucking KIDS to do it, too! And then you fucking SELL videotapes of you doing that to EACH OTHER and then you fucking JACK OFF to the thought of the others fucking WATCHING IT!!! That’s pretty fucking FUCKED UP, if you ask me.
In the pristine wilderness of the Ozark Mountains in northern Arkansas lie the sparkling blue waters of Bull Shoals Lake. Five miles north of the dam that forms the lake there is an island. Two Dokstoks have been held on this island in the past – gutblowout events that featured the best that SubGenius anti-musicians have to offer. This summer, Dokstok XVI will be held at the same location. AND YOU’RE GOING TO MISS IT, YOU STUPID FUCKS!!!! Other than the ORIGINAL APOSTLES and “WITH-IT” DOKTOR BANDS whose invitations were pre-ordained, a mere TWO con-dupes responded to the CALL. The REST of you SNIVELING SHITS cowered in abject terror at the thought of FACING THAT WHICH MUST BE SHAT! Oh Wotan, how can a TRUE DOKTOR face the implications inherent in this utter LACK OF FAITH amongst those who CLAIM to love the TRUE WOR? GODDAMIT, I gave each and every one of you the CHANCE to CAVORT with REAL FUCKED UP PO-BUCKERS and ‘fropped-to-the-gills DOKTORS and you FUCKING BLEW IT!!!! While WE bathe in the power and glory that is EIN KLEINE NICHTMUSIK, YOU’LL be numbly staring at your miserable reflection in a pool of lap-fuck-vomit, while the horrible realization that you’re MISSING the fucking PARTY OF THE CENTURY drills its way into your pathetic excuse for a brain like an alien spirochete burrowing through the spasming corpse of an Xist FUCK-MONKEY. Holy fucking SCHMEDLAP IN A GREEN HAT – you didn’t just fuck up like Hogan’s Goat. You let Hogan’s Goat insert his great barbed Moonie-Splitter into your quivering Valley of the Kink, WITH NO SOCIAL LUBRICANTS applied, topically or otherwise. My contempt for you KNOWS NO BOUNDS! You are LESS THAN GNAT SPUNK. You fuck the SHIT that greasily oozes from the cancerous bowels of a slug-sated RAPE GORILLA! Each and every one of you incomprehensibly shit-besmirched PINK BOYS can wallow in the
festering knowledge that YOU are one of THEM! You don’t even deserve to FELTCH the BLOODY STUMP of a CON-MAN’s wart-encrusted copra-nozzle. Your cojones are FUCKING MICROSCOPIC you sons and daughters of leprous dick-shitting whore RETARDS! YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE HERE!!!! Why don’t you form alt.barbie/ken and DROWN IN YOUR OWN SMEGMA, you weasel-dicked fucking SMARM-CUNTZ. YOU’RE ALL FUCKING HOG ASS LICKERS. Your PRIVATES belong in the BUTTS of BRAINLESS, PALSIED, TAPE-WORM INFESTED SLOTHS!!! Your BUNG HOLES need to be surgically molded to your FACES, you PEENOID conspiracy dupes. I hope each and every one of you LAME ASS JIT BAGS are forced to run the CON GAUNTLET with your pants down around your amputated, footless LEG STUMPS while Billy Samuels rams a couple hundred yards of RUSTY BARBED WIRE up your lilly-pink ASSHOLES!! YOU SUCK OFF GREAT DANES on NATIONAL TELEVISION. YOU’RE fucking NORMAL, you goddam SQUID BAIT! You have the fucking GALL to call yourselves SubGeniuses, when you’re all nothing but fart-sniffing, brain bereft, mealypuss, SNARF SUCKERS who wouldn’t know a bleeding head if it fucked you in the eye socket. IF I EVER SEE ANY OF YOU IN PERSON, I WILL FUCK YOU UP! You’re DEAD MEAT, fuckshitz! I’ll chainsaw your goddam BUTTS off and feed ’em to my ZOMBIE LEGIONS! I’ll make you SUCK OFF A COP in front of your SECOND GRADE CLASSMATES! I’ll KILL YOUR ASS and then PEE IT THE WRONG WAY. Fuck you. You’re ALL disconnected!